Sophie Johnson

ILY

2009-05-03T21:17:00.003Z

Hello there.

Remember me? I'm the one you've been weeping over since you first met acquaintance with my words. Mmmmmm hello, sweet lyrical labia, tickle my tongue with your whirly words.

Well where have I been? Apart from the usual - erm, I wish I had a usual - I have been getting my script done. And it's finished. I done a film. Tickle it, bitch. If you want to read it then you must have no life, but you're more than welcome to ask. It's pretty good and it definitely has the word nipple in it.

The thing is, the film is about polyamory (ya know, putting it about, loving more than one in more than a 'kinky threesome' way) so lending it out to people to read is a bit awkward. Because something perhaps weirdly kinky happens in it, someone might assume I'm into it. Which is only true 97% of the time. I currently have my ex and my Mum bothering me to read it, errrrr. My boyfriend has read it and now thinks I'm mad. Well done me.

"Here new boyfriend, read this weird dark sex film....! Big hugs MWAH!"

I'm such a dick.

Still, luckily he's not an idiot so everything is fine.

Enough of that. Something I wanted to share with you....

I've been using a replacement phone from T-Mobile while they fix (again) my nice one. The replacement one is from the prehistoric phone age where nokias won the interracial war with the pterodactyls and dodos. Shut up Sophie. The point is, it's shit.
And while perusing the phone I discovered a little folder called 'Quick notes'. These are basically template text messages so you don't have to think up words or maybe use your fingers pressing a button to arrange words in an individual and personal way to your friend, colleague, loved one or perhaps Jamster. And the first is a suitable one.

1. Call you later
This is the sort of text you might send when someone calls you but you are too busy either writing a thesis, live-sculpting a bust of Shakespeare or perhaps plating out some bird. Emergency quick text sending.

The next few follow in a similar vein "Urgent! Please call me!" (though here I would add something like "about your scabs" or "an ambulance". Others include information about being late and where to meet und so weiter.

The troubles are with 8,9 and 10.

8. Don't worry, be happy...
Great, that really helps. What a friend you are, my mum just died of cancer and is splashing it all over the TV screens with some embarrassing excuse about inheritence. Don't worry be happy? Fuck off! Stop using templates and think of something appropriate to say like "Shit mate, your life is fucked up, you should probably kill yourself".

9. Have a nice day!
Did you just text me a burger?

And the worst of all -

10. Love you forever.
Your soul is dead.

Sometimes it's convenient to use technology and abbreviations to make life quicker. Using a text template to tell someone you love them just isn't good enough.

It's like those three little words aren't little enough.

So, let's abbreviate it some more. I mean you wouldn't want to be interrupted from cunnilling out some chick for too long while you text your wife "Love you forever."

So let's make those three little words three little letters.

ILY,

Sophie xxx

G'day!

2009-01-27T23:21:00.003Z

No, I'm not Australian, but in fact am just contracting the fuller sentence I might choose explaining the fact that I had a good day. I am now explaining this in a convoluted way. Well done to me. This is why you love me.

I went for a run this morning and really enjoyed it apart from the pain in my chest.

"Oh, I am in love with running"

I thought.
Then I thought perhaps it was the fact I smoke and haven't really done aerobic exercise in a while. A bit of yoga, but y'know...
So that got me to thinking. Maybe other feelings have been confused. When in the past I felt my heart squeeze with disappointment (the sort of thing that might promote shouting "You're breaking my heart!" across the street), maybe I just needed a cigarette. When I have felt nervous, it was in fact trapped wind/urinary tract infection. When I have felt my stomach turn over with a feeling of warmth when someone kisses me, that's just a cup of tea having a bit of a swim. When I get goosebumps at the sound of someone calling me beautiful, it's actually just a bit chilly - they left the window open... that they think I'm beautiful is irrelevant... what do I care? I'm way too hot for them...

Anyone know anything scientific about the connection between bodily functions and emotions we associate with them? I think I might write a book about it. After all science is well fashionable at the moment. Failing that, could someone recommend me one, because I really wouldn't know where to start. In fact I think I might have written all I know on the subject already, and I just made that up.

Anyway, I'm diverting fabulously. What I wanted to say was that when I got back I had a text from a guy from a production company asking to meet and an email from a publishing company offering me a placement. At last! All you need to do is go for a run and the world will take you seriously. Even if they've had your CV on file for months... honestly. They just sense it.

So I went for another run about 7.

No emails.

I've lost all faith in little superstitions I make up for myself, even if they are to motivate myself to get fit.

Though I did manage to finish an outline after struggling with how it would tie up. Hooray!

Do you know what?.... Oh my god, I think I love you.

Oh no, I just need a cigarette.

Laters,

Sophie x

We really wanna see those fingers!

2009-01-12T20:30:00.003Z

So, time to warm up for this evening's writing with a nonsense blog for your eyes and brains to enjoy together.

Saturday I spent taking part in the Monopoly Pub Crawl organised by some crazy mancs. The mistake is to make a note of everything you drank as you go along. Here's mine, and the last 3 pubs drink notes are empty, I'm sure I was in attendence, I don't know what I drank...otherwise...
4 apple sourz, 2 southern comfort and lemonade, 3 malibu and coke, 1 amaretto and coke, 1 vodka and coke, 1 archers and lemonade, 8 glasses of wine.
The site drinkaware.co.uk have a units calculator. The government recommended daily intake is 2-3 units for women. This added to 36.66. Ah. Proud of me Mother?

Surprisingly little hangover, just tiredness and a need for food. I did spend most of the next evening feeling incredibly sorry for myself and reflecting on what I'm doing, why I am an idiot, and why I'm so repulsive. But luckily I awoke this morning* with the clear remembrance that I am in fact fucking amazing, better than pretty much everyone and all the men are just fools for not realising this.

So I'm sure most of you have seen the All New Shooting Stars by this point. They repeated it the other day. I made sure I watched it again in case they were repeating to check popularity to make a decision about commissioning a series. But then I remembered that it wouldn't make a difference. After all, I'm not one of the only 5000 or so that are used to measure ratings. Don't take rating seriously.... what sort of percentage is that? And ooh sure, they're a different person for each demographic, but I'm the same demographic as some of you reading this, and you didn't necessarily watch it. Now we're in a digital age, surely they must be some way of showing how many people exactly watched the show. Sure, there'd be the occasional mistake when people leave the TV on or maybe aren't really paying attention, but just have anything on in the background to fondle each other to.

Does anyone know anyone who has one of these devices to measure TV ratings? If so ask them if it affects what they watch.

If I was one of these people, I would definitely alter my viewing habits. At least, I'd think again before flicking** over to laugh at babestation. Further, maybe they should measure what people watch on DVD to help view what to comission. Sales don't count because some things you buy, watch once, and then shelve. Some things you watch over and over and over. But then I suppose we're approaching a Big Brother state with such surveillance. But it might stop them making series after series of Big Brother.

What DVDs do you watch over and over? Mine... The Day Today, Bang Bang it's Reeves and Mortimer and Marion and Geoff.

Happy private viewing...

Sophie x

*morning may be a fib
**nothing to do with beans.

Yes we McCann!

2009-01-09T18:58:00.002Z

Are you a ginger posh boy? Whether Prince or Tory watch out, you may well dress as something inappropriate for a fancy dress party.

So, Matthew Lewis dressed as Maddie McCann. Two halloween's back I was told to dress as Maddie McCann or I'd have been fired. Sorry I didn't... think of the promotion the Fix might have got from it!

"Comedy magazine thinks it's okay to force their interns to dress as Maddie McCann... Mr Deansway has not commented, unless you count maniacal giggling"

Poor Matthew Lewis of Conservative Future has been kicked out of the party. I've just recently finished Milan Kundera's The Joke where something very similar, but much more novel-worthy happens. This bad-taste joke and kicking out of the Communist party leads to a whole life of missed dreams, missed loves and misdemeanours. I hope this doesn't happen to Matthew Lewis. He's apologised, although I bet he didn't really mean it. Unless it's just "sorry I got found out"

So if you are ginger and posh, please put away your Jamie Bulger and Damilola Taylor masks, get out of you makeshift ikea-shannon and just go as Ron Howard or Matthew Corbett or something. Or perhaps combine the two and go as Ronnie Corbett.

You're welcome for the advice,

Sophie x

Sony Erection C905

2009-01-09T17:43:00.002Z

I got a new phone delivered today. It is my first contract phone since Orange cut me off for something as petty as not paying my bills for months. What sort of friendship is that?

So, anyway, as well as the joy of teaching my phone to swear*, it's also time to clear out saved messages and notes of drunken ideas. These range from horrendous things that will never work to a joke which I think is pretty good and I did on stage every day at the Edinburgh Festival... with some amusing private jokes along the way. And some things I don't understand at all.

"The ballad of bedding Gail. Opera of a man date raping a woman. My true story."

"Don't expose yourself to me, expose yourself to a push pop"**

"Stand-ups? Why not consolidate all your jokes into one manageable debt advert joke?"

"'When we played star wars at school I was always chewbacca'
'what? what's she got to do with it?'
'huh'
'i thought you said sue barker'
'no, that doesn't work...'
'fuck you'"

"proper gander/propaganda..."

"Why have men not evolved to not have hair on their face? Hey, Darwin, answer me that one! Is it because God has a beard? and men are made in his image? it's blasphemous to shave..."

"Noone fancies you face down"

So.... there you go. That's not all of them obviously. I'm not cherry picking, just some may still be used in something, so they're for me. Although, Chewbacca/sue barker? Come on! Oh yeh baby.

I said Sony Ericsson...

Sophie x

*Mr Rob Heeney
** Mr Dan Sheehy

Blogs are like buses.

2009-01-08T23:16:00.003Z

You wait for one for ages, and then one comes along and has a nice advert on it.
For those of you with bad sight or lack of knowledge of what's going on in the world, that's one of the "atheist bus campaign" buses. This is the first one I spotted. And, as an aside, you can tell a true friend - they're not annoyed when you hang up on them, then call them back saying "sorry I saw an atheist bus". Not only not be annoyed but be pleased you managed to get a picture.

So what have I been doing since that last post? Not much and a lot. Part of it was written a while ago on this computer but I never finished it. I feel like I've cheated a little bit pretending to have written it all today. So this is a whole new fresh blog. So fresh. So fucking clean. Or not.

I haven't decided what to talk about yet. Shit. I could tell you about my various writing projects, but that's dull I'm sure. Such projects would be - Short comedy film, sitcom and feature film. But I'm sure you'd rather I told you anecdotes of me embarrassing myself. Such anecdotes would be...

Nah, you're not getting any of those. You're getting this.

Stephen 'birdshit' Green has complained about the atheist bus campaign. Now, I don't know if you spotted in the photo above, but the slogan read “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life”...

I can't even write about this anymore. I'd just be repeating myself. The main thing is that people need to stop giving Stephen Green such airtime. If anyone else sent in this complaint, it would just be shown around the office, laughed at and maybe entered into the Darwin awards book (hoping of course that Stephen Green gets run over by one of these buses. Oh fuck me, I'm not one to wish death but that would be so brilliant wouldn't it?! Especially if loads of seagulls swarmed around his corpse like vultures and proceeded to shit all over him jeering "YEH try and get away now, Green, go on, sing yer favourite fucking hymn*!")

I like seagulls.

Yes, back on topic, people should stop treating Stephen Green as if he's the voice of Christians. I know his group's name 'Christian Voice' may suggest this, but this is in fact false advertising... get on to the ASA everyone!

He needs to stop being invited on the radio, TV or anywhere. Watch out Stephen there's a bus...! STEPHEN!!!

Oh, which reminds me.... for Adam and Joe fans.... Okse made this... join in.

I'm going now because I've got brilliant things to do.

Love 'n' cuddles,

Sophie x

*This reminds me of a fabulous joke from Cowards.

I've ruined my Mum's life with one sentence

2009-01-08T17:59:00.002Z

"Oh my SMOD Sophie, tell us about your crazy new year!!"

Well dear readers*, I spent the new year sitting the house with my Mum, pretending I was at a brilliant house party so that I wouldn't have to work at the grotty pub I recently started pretending to fit in at. We watched hootenanny and I drank a lot of wine. It was a 4 on the pleasure scale, where 11 be best.

Still I have pleasures in my life. Spending all day in comfy clothes writing is one. Using masturbation as a sleep aid is another. That reminds me of another pleasure - referring to a particular person as “a another” What other pleasures? Buying things. Drinking wine. Sleeping with men. Burying my face in a hairy chest. Using full stops rather than commas. Incidental Rhyming.

I know what you all want, a list of highlights of the year, both personal, national and worldwide. Well fuck you, you’re having one anyway. It’s an original idea, eh? I bet you wish you’d thought of it.

I’ll start large.

INTERNATIONAL HIGHLIGHTS OF 2008
Obama Wins!
Well done America. Outside of tumblr, most people in the UK dislike you. Because of George Bush. Now you’ve done well, most people like you. Apart from some comedians who are furious.

erm…. what other news happened?…. positive, I mean…. yeh…. erm….

NATIONAL HIGHLIGHTS OF 2008
Dead Set
The Economic Crisis
I can’t be bothered with this I just want to be indulgent and do the personal bit. I mean, fuck you all know about these bits.

PERSONAL HIGHLIGHTS OF 2008
In The Mouth
My first Edinburgh show. Sketch comedy performed at noon everyday in August to totally the wrong crowd with me usually still drunk from the night before having got to bed around 6am. This month long highlight is tainted by the day I broke up with my boyfriend (and co-star of the sketch show (they were one and the same)). Having to perform with him the next day was a total barrel of laughs.

Getting a job at the BBC
Sure, it’s in retail, but that’s one lifetime ambition ticked off. The day I got my staff pass I was so excited!

Stop doing this like a CV Sophie…

Latitude Festival
Seeing Sigur Ros live was fantastic. Another highlight was Robin Ince and Ross Noble having a John Peel impression competition. I spent most of the festival walking around with a box of wine meeting up with friends, abandoning them and just wandering around, discovering things, falling asleep in the literary tent and asking “a very good question indeed” at a debate about religion. I forget what the question was, but I remember being drunkenly and warmly proud that this posh cartoonist guy didn’t laugh at me for being drunk and half asleep on a cushion. What’s best of all is that my ticket was paid for by the magazine I was working for and I did no work whatsoever. Oh and a friend of mine got his cock out while doing their Edinburgh preview. How we laughed. The journey there was also amusing, but you’ll have to ask me personally. Clues: Poppers, Rabbits, Dave.

Robin Ince’s Nine Lessons and Carols for Godless People
Robin Ince, Richard Dawkins, Robin Ince, Chris Addison, Josie Long, Stewart Lee, Simon Singh, Martin White, Ben Goldacre, Ricky Gervais, Phill Jupitus, Isy Suttie and Gavin Osbourne, Joanna Neary, Phillip Jeays, and probably a couple I’ve forgotten. Need I say more? Oh, comps courtesy of Mr Ince and I took darkhorsedan. Joy to the world! Oh and fuck the guy who screwed up having a choir there. I know him personally and if it wasn't for him I'd have been on stage each night. Grr!

And this year is sponsored by my Welsh Grandma Gwenyth Winifred Owens who sadly died this year. She often thought sex on TV was ‘not necessary’. Her dogs won crufts once and best of breed many times. She had an Old English sheepdog who was a Dulux dog and ‘Tramp’, he may be the same one, who was the dog who drove the mini in the April Fool’s thing in Esther Rantzen’s That’s Life! She knitted a lot and smoked 60 fags a day. *Lights up* This one’s for you Gwen.

But what of next year 2009? Well, I have books to read, a job to find, a film to write, a man to find, a house to leave, a flat to find. But before all that I have a fuckload of wine to drink.

Oh and the sentence that ruined my Mum's life?

"Did you know that Hootenanny isn't live, but recorded a couple of weeks before?"

I intend to be back a little more often. Apologies.

Sophie x

*Hi Chris!

Sneak peek & best bits

2008-11-02T22:15:00.004Z

Click here to see what digital spy say David Tennant's best bits where in Who.

Now, what do you think is missing? Post a photo, quote, video, soundbite or whatever and label it David's Best Bits.

The best suggestion will win a prize of me saying "well done".

It's about time I got these out...

2008-09-19T00:53:00.004Z

So, it's been a while now since Edinburgh...

Here are our reviews from punters, and one from Three Weeks, as on www.edfringe.com. (I've typed them out underneath, because they are quite hard to read)

"This show was awful from start to almost the finish (I must admit that we left before the end. They started off on the wrong foot when at the beginning of the fist* sketch they managed to smash a glass of Coke and then later on had to lie down in it as this was where they were performing?! It was all things that are bad about stand up - not funny, no idea what or who the sketches were about or where they were going. Sorry guys I know it was free but we all deserve better than this"

"Some promising sketches but all lacking a decent punchline"

"There's a sense of potential about 'In The Mouth'. When they hit the spot, they almost convey the impression that they are a polished and lively sketch troupe, but some of their sketches are a little muddled and lack direction, spoiling the overall effect. A satirical spoof stand-up set and a genlemanly take in a "your Mum" exchange are good value, and there are nice ideas in a sketch about a teetotaler and a wheat intolerant couple dining at the Last Supper, but depressed puppet and best man's speech skits seem a little lost. There's a need for a bit more flexibility, but on the whole 'In The Mouth' do just about enough to keep their audience entertained, but they could really do with a bit more bite**."

"As the previous reviewer has mentioned, there were moments here where you could see the potential in this group. Too often, though, the inventive situations were let down by rushed delivery or poor scripting. The purposefully bad stand up was strong, as was the Last Supper, the 'best man' and 'Geordie' sketches much less so. Overall, it was a below par effort, but a free and easy way to start the day."

"This show gave me the impression of 3, 6th formers given a couple of hours to produce a sketch show. The first problem that the air conditioning was louder than the performers. The first couple of sketches dragged by without any substance. There were a couple of crackers mixed in. If this had been a 15 minute slot it could have been a great show"

So! In conclusion - a waste of a month? Certainly not! It was quite an experience. I was always aware the show was patchy, but there was not much to be done, I mean I had no better ideas. And it improved greatly throughout the run.

Thankfully my stand-up seemed to go well with the couple of people who mention it here. I'm so glad some people got it. Many didn't. I suppose that's a good thing? I don't know. You can watch my bad stand up here if you like.

What to do next year? Well who knows! Stand up? Work with new people? Or just stay behind the scenes as I did before? Or just stay at home... Or! Theatre! I could write a play. So many options...

Sophie x

*Just so you know, Susan made a typo. We do not have a sketch about fisting.

**Do you see? Bite! Because we have 'Mouth' in our name. Brilliant!

Edinburgh Diary 21st-27th August 2008

2008-08-27T14:38:00.002Z

Two reasons why Ihaven't been keeping up with the daily blog.

1 - Still no internet in the flat.

2 - I would rather be partying/sleeping.

So welcome to the omnibus edition. I bring you highlights from the 21st to the 27th August. Of course, I was drunk a lot of the time and my memory is bad at the best of times, so it will be sparing, but maybe that's best. After all I'm sure you're all fucking tired of hearing how the show is going and that I'm tired.

Having said that I will tell you briefly about my first solo spot on the 22nd. I did character stand up from new stand-up, Harriet Deansway. It went so well. They were eating out of the palm of my hand*

I saw the BEST SHOW at the entire Edinburgh fringe. It's called The Nose Guy and involves a chat removing the face of Jimmy Carr from a Jimmy Carr flyer and replacing it with his nose, filling the space of the entire Carr face.

I blagged into the 'So You Think You're Funny?' party and saw Roy Walker and Johnny Vegas snogging.

Colin Murray asked me directions and I got flustered.

I went to see Matt Forde's On Heat, a panel show which had Pappy's Fun Club vs The Penny Dreadfulls. Brilliant!DOOSH!DOOSH!DOOSH!BRAP!D-D-D-D!!! I think the Penny's slammed it by calling Pappy's "S Klang Juniors". OHHH! BRAP BRAP! D-D-D-DOOSHDOOSH!

I got the phrase - "HELLO! YOU CAME!" in my head. In fact it's still in there.

We won the if.comedy spirit of the fringe award.**

Then I dreamt that I won best drama writer if.comedy award for an advert I wrote about Armando Iannucci. What.

Yesterday was post-fringe day. All the comedians had gone and I was left to convinve the landlady I couldn't give her the money my boss owed her, even if I wanted to (which I certainly didn't)
The lovely Emily, Paddy, Paddy's cousin Adam and myself spent the day watching films. It started with the unbeatable Jumanji. That was probably a mistake, starting with an unbeatable film...
"Are you ready?"
"There is no ready"
Other gems from the day included -
1. i cannae do it cos i dinnae wanna.
2. this is the first day of my 13th birthday.
3. make it famous.
4. is there a pre-past?

I'm sure there were other things that happened over the last week that may interest you, but I'm darned if I can remember them. any questions? Leave below!

This will probably be my last Edinburgh blog, as I'm going home tomorrow and today I do not intend to leave the house apart from to smoke, or maybe to buy snacks.

Oh! If you haven't already you must watch The People Who Live Under the Stairs.

Thank you.
Farewell.

Sophie x

*Advice - always take snacks to feed your audience. Trill works well.
**Along with everyone else.

Edinburgh Diary 18th-20th August 2008

2008-08-20T13:00:00.002Z

Our modem is on the naughty step. It isn't flashing its send and receive buttons. Naughty thing. So I'm writing this from a friend's house. What has happened these last two days? My friend Craig came up and we went out with him and his girlfriend. They enjoyed the show apparently, which is good because I think Craig was pretty much expecting it to be awful. So that's nice.
We were flyered by some hip-hop meets Shakespeare play musical type thing. I scoffed and said no until the chap offered up free tickets. Being a freeloader I changed my mind and myself Craig and Cara went in to see the show while Scott went to flyer. The first ten minutes of the show, I sat there cursing myself for saying yes, hip hop plus shakespeare? Oh dear. But I soon got pulled into the show, enjoying the cheesy rap battles and rubbish shakespeare/hip-hop hybrid puns.

Today the show went well, the audience were laughing loud and I had the best time I've had doing the show yet. What a lot of fun. I've sorted an open spot on Friday at the Krazy Horses show at the White Horse, so come along if you're in Edinburgh.

Now, I'm cold and wet. The weather this year has been the worst I've seen it.

Grumble grumble.

Sophie x

Edinburgh Festival Diary 17th August 2008

2008-08-17T23:52:00.002Z

Today the show went much better. Back on track. Unfortunately the show after us screwed stuff up for us a bit. They let people in way too early and threw Paddy off when he was doing a costume change and then came in to convince people to stay for their show before they had a chance to pass the collection bucket. Bastards. I know they didn't mean to but still, bastards. So only about 5 people passed me, but luckily one person put a tenner in so we weren't too short.

It's been a bit of a non-day. I'm still recovering from the other night really.

Here's a photo of me looking bag-eyed and annoyed -

Sophie x

Edinburgh Festival Diary 16th August 2008

2008-08-17T00:27:00.002Z

This must be my earliest night of the festival. It's half one and I'm tucked up in bed with my laptop.
It's been a really lovely day, though it started off terribly. I had a great night last night and got to bed around 6am, hence the oh-so-brief blog yesterday. I went to the Space venues party which was a rather strange affair. It started off quite mild, people milling around drinking, then we ventured into a near-empty room where music was playing and a few people were dancing. But the drinks were so cheap and people so generous that it wasn't long before everyone was fantastically pissed. Let me tell you, chicken fighting on a guy's shoulders is scary enough, but when that guy is 6'6" tall and he's not holding your legs and you're both drunk.... Good grief. I thought I might die. But I wouldn't have minded. The general atmosphere was that of a wedding reception, or maybe a youth club disco. Cheesy music and ridiculous dancing. I was in my element.
Paddy and Rob arrived later on after I had promised Paddy that there were indeed beautiful women there, something he always needs before he will attend a social event. It's interesting to note that he never approaches any of said beautiful women, so... what's the point eh?

I went to go and see the show that the American chaps I'd met were involved in. It was fantastically written and performed. The Scotsman gave them a shining review which was thoroughly deserved.

Before that though was the arduous task of waking up. Why do we have to have our show so early? It makes going to bed at 6am seem like a bad idea. The show was a bit weird today. We performed pretty well, and nothing went wrong. But the audience just weren't on our side. My intentionally bad stand-up parody seemed to go over people's heads as did all of the jokes. The only laughs seemed to come when we said rude words. I have said in the past that a pet hate of mine is when a comedian blames their audience, but I think that's mainly doing it to their face. Doing it in a blog after the event, but carrying on like a true pro is much better behaviour. Hopefully it'll go back to how well it was going before.

What else? That's about it really. I've had lots of magazines to hand out.
Ninny night

Sophie x

Edinburgh Festival Diary 15th August 2008

2008-08-16T04:21:00.002Z

Hello.
What happened? Yeh, it was our day off so I slept in. Nice.
Then I did stuff. Erm.
Then later I went out. Saw Freeze. Amazing.
Then er... Wine. Danced like a fool at venue 45 which was a church or something. It was like a wedding reception and there were some American actors.
Now I sleep.
Bye.
Sophie x

Edinburgh Festival Diary 14th August 2008

2008-08-15T15:57:00.002Z

Today was good. It's our only official day off tomorrow, so the only really chance to stay up late and do as I please. Screw tomorrow morning, it won't exist.

The show went well as ever. We're definitely going to win the if.comedy award. I know a show has to be an hour long and ours is only 40 minutes, but I think they'll probably make an exception for us.

I went to go and see Armando Iannucci's Charm Offensive being recorded, which was really good. Armando's the cutest overjewish elderly gnome who ever graced the world of comedy. Not to mention a fucking genius.

Later on Scott and I went to see Richard Herring's show The Headmaster's Son. He's really such a great stand-up and every year I think that he has reached his zenith and that surely next year's show can't be better. I especially thought that with last year's show, but he has delivered yet again. As well as making me roar with laughter, the bastard also made me weep tears. Yeh, proper tears. He goes into the hall of fame of only three shows that have made me cry in Edinburgh. One a choir concert which was actually not that good, but I was having a nervous breakdown at the time, and the only other show was Daniel Kitson's It's the Fireworks talking. Both moments are of love for a father I suppose. Good one. I love my Dad too, Rich.

So there, a tender moment within a nonsense blog.

I went to Spank again last night, but this time I was in the right mood. I had pinot running through my veins and obnoxious comments belching from my throat. A good night was had. Though I think I annoyed my friend Chris. At the end of the interval I had got distracted as I bumped into some friends and decided not to go back in as I'd seen the acts I'd wanted to see. Sorry Chris, I was drunk and selfish.
Oh and here's a fab comedy tip for you - Moonfish rhumba. They're a new comedy sketch duo type thing and they are absolutely, stunningly, mindblowingly, shit. I couldn't spot one joke in their whole set, not even a shit pun or knob gag. What?

Time for byes.

Sophie x

Edinburgh Festival Diary 7th - 13th August 2008

2008-08-13T09:35:00.005Z

Does this still count as a daily diary? Okay, I'm cheating a little, but I've missed so many now that writing them all and posting at once seems such a chore. So I'll just start again here. I'm a failure okay? But wouldn't you rather I fail at this and succeed in having fun and a good show in Edinburgh? No? Selfish bastards.

I've been inundated with 2 messages asking where the blog has gone, so thanks to both of you. I'm back, and this time it's spellchecked/dangerous.

So, since last many things have happened. My friend Dan came up for 4 days (which is the main reason I haven't been blogging. Staying up late drinking wine, talking nonsense and watching comedy/doctor who is a much more enjoyable way to spend the early hours) He came to see the show and then helped us out in a rigorous and vigorous rewriting session. We've now dropped two sketches that weren't going so well and put another two in.
-------------------------------
Now it is the early hours after the day of the 13th, so I must amend the title of this blog as it previously read - "Edinburgh Festival Diary 7th - 12th August 2008". It's 3.49am and I've just got back from Spank! What an interesting evening! It began, dear friends, with erm... I can't remember. Chris Martin was on and he was fab, but then it all got a bit weird cabaret the carnivalesque style. Things started to get weird when Drags Aloud came on. They were fun, but I don't think the crowd were really into it. They were essentially a bunch of transvestites dressed in rubbish Grease outfits dancing badly to a cheesy music medley. Hmm. Then an interval in which the already rowdy audience on one side preceeded to either get rowdier or, in the case of one girl, fall asleep on the table. I'm far too sleepy to go into detail, but the idiot hecklers (one in particular doing an obnoxious fake laugh) got more and more rowdy and impatient and the evening ended with Paul Foot being a total hero and thrusting his pelvis right in their face in an example of his monumental art 'Mime plus'.

What else has happened on the inbetween days? I cannot remember much. But today we had a good show, some chap put a whole £10 in the bucket which was quite astonishing. I'm really pleased with how it's progressing and people have said some lovely things. Basically I'm having a lot of fun.

Oh! I know what else. The new issue of the fanzine I'm working for is out and I am credited at the back as follows -

SOPHIE
http://www.pswaah.blogspot.com
Is weak minded and has low self esteem the perfect psychological make up for bullying her to work for free and carry heavy stuff.

Time for bed.

Sophie x

Edinburgh Festival Diary 6th August 2008

2008-08-10T01:19:00.001Z

Women in Comedy and Catchphrases

Again, you’re going to get this late due to the internet not arriving yet. Jeez, I mean come along... I’m tempted to knock on the other flat’s doors tomorrow and threaten to stab them with a knife if they don’t give me their network key. Wireless, wireless everywhere, but not a drop to drink*

Today has been a bit of a non-entity as I have been in bed ill all day. Rubbish eh? I cancelled the show. My public! My poor public! I’ve spent the whole day sleeping, my eyes weeping (not tears, just, you now, like when you’re ill). So nothing has happened today.

So I’ll tell a tale from yesterday. I met up with Harry and his friend Miriam at the Pleasance Courtyard. Within seconds a flyerer arrived, as expected. He was trying to get people to see Sarah McMillian and was being very patronising about how glad he was to see a woman doing so well. I know what he meant, but the whole thing of there being no room for women in stand up is bollocks these days. There are loads of them – they’re just not quite as good as men. They’re good, but just they’ll never be quite as good as men. It’s a bit like sport in that way. Some women can outrun men, some men can outrun women, but the fastest runners always have been (and probably always will be) men.

Anyway, Miriam is a stand up, and I’m having a go at this comedy lark, so when he was saying this shtick, Harry was saying “Well women just aren’t funny”, and we were agreeing, attempting to tell jokes and just floundering in silence before flushing, blushing and blustering.

Women, know your limits (etc.)

See, will a Catherine Tate catchphrase ever have the longevity of Women know your limits? Perhaps. I was chatting with Scott and Paddy and we were talking about starting a riot group against catchphrases... or RGAC** This would entail us following a comedian with an annoying catchphrase everywhere and repeating it over and over while perhaps mauling them or kicking them in the face. Are you bothered now?

A CHILLY MUNDO!

Which reminds me... Scott bought a DVD a while back which is truly, truly shite. It’s a comedy show which is sketches, some pre-recorded and some in front of a live audience. And it’s pretty catchphrase heavy. One is Rhys Thomas (Toby from Nathan Barley) being a flirty old man. The sketch is on several times and every time it’s the same. He picks a girl from the audience and tries to seduce her in this character who is basically a posh pervert who enjoys using shit euphemisms. When the girls deny him access to their “currant bun” or whatever, he turns direct to camera three and says “OH BLOW!” Scott’s ultimate aim at the Edinburgh festival, keeping in mind the aims of RGAC** is to discover Rhys Thomas being fellated by Lucy Montgomery (his wife and star of Tittybangbang) and shout in his coke-covered face “OH BLOW!” At which point I will jump in and shout at Lucy Montgomery “DON’T LOOK AT ME, I’M SHY!!”

I hope there are no catchphrases in our show. Though even if there aren’t, people will create them, as with Pappy’s Fun Club...

“An apple?!”

Time for bed and a big old nose blow.

Sophie x

*If you can think of a better nerd way to finish this, please let me know.
**Again, better suggestions for an acronym welcomed, I’m ill and not feeling all that creative.

Edinburgh Festival Diary 5th August 2008

2008-08-10T01:18:00.001Z

I am writing this as midnight. However, it will not be put online tonight because I am sans internet. We had a bit of a bust up with our landlord, involve him leaving horrible answerphone messages threatening to chuck us out. So don’t judge a book by its friendly Hugh Laurie shaped cover.

So, we are now in a new flat. It’s actually much nicer though it is slightly smaller. And we have no hot water or internet. But we are assured by the landlady (who doesn’t look like any particular celebrities I’m afraid) that this will all be rectified tomorrow.

Apart from that today was a bit mad. Because of my ill state I’m constantly tired and wanting to lie down but having to trudge along (what a soldier, eh?) I really want to go to bed too, but I am writing this for you....(who?)

Yeh, so that’s what happened on the day that never happened, the landed was a proper dick and we all had a big lovely argument. The only trouble with the new flat (apart from no internet or hot water) is that the tenancy runs out on the 26^th and my train ticket home is for the 28^th. Luckily my housemate from Uni, Paddy, lives here so he’s going to let me stay then.

Our show was a bit rubbish today, we were all out of sorts and not particularly on form. And the mics didn’t work. But after I went to see The Murder Monologues, a play by John Foster and Sheila West who I know from Uni. It was really great and they should be chuffed.

Time for bed now.

Night night blogland,

Sophie x

Edinburgh Festival Diary 4th August 2008

2008-08-04T23:31:00.001Z

"The talk of the festival!" - Chris Coltrane, The After School Club.

Yeh! Well. This is the full thing (as left in a comment on my blog here)

"7 people for midday on the first day is an outstanding achievement. I'm not at the festival (not for a few weeks, anyway), but I've heard of dozens of shows that were cancelled on the first day because of a lack of audience. So for you to get that many people is a really positive sign for the future.
If you keep working hard and doing your best, your show will be the talk of the festival!"

Well, we had a full house yesterday, then today it was back down, I think about 11?

Anyway, today I was out of sorts. Although the show seemed to go well, I wasn't really enjoying it for the first time. Mainly because I wasn't feeling well. I thought I was just tired, but when I got home to have lunch I was pretty light headed. I lay down and realised that if I got up I was going to be sick. So I was. Now I'm just all stuffed up with mucus and a sore throat and I think this is perfect for performance. Yes. Lots of lockets for me.

For this reason I'm going to go to bed early, even though I slept a little this afternoon.

G'night all.

Sophie x

P.S. Fuck I'm tired.

Edinburgh Festival Diary 3rd August 2008

2008-08-04T01:29:00.002Z

Hi there. Yes. Well one particular reader will be pleased to hear* I am drunk again. Slurps wine. But what of today? Well today we had the room pretty much full. Hooray for that! We made £26 in the collection bucket, which compared to the £3 to £8 of previous days was great. I could eat today! Yeh! Apparently yesterday on the day that didn't happen, there was a reviewer from three weeks in, but I've yet to see anything come of that, so maybe it's true, maybe it's not, too many commas, take note, Brissen,den. Yes, so today was good. A few of those in the audience were friends/tutors from Uni. Yes, my tutor sat in the front row and filmed the whole thing on his camcorder. Intimidating much? Nah, not really. He's a total gem, more friend than tutor really. Luckily everyone said they enjoyed the show. I hope they actually did too.
My solo bit even received a nice round of applause, so that was nice.

Then what? Erm. Handed out some magazines, had some tea, went to see, erm.... Dave Bloustein, an Australian stand-up also playing our venue. Nice guy, likable and all that, but he does my pet hate of comedians which is to assume that if people don't laugh at a joke that you think is a bit clever it's because they don't get it. Actually it just wasn't funny okay? We're not 'the little people' or anything.

So yes, after that more handing out of magazines and meeting welsh people. I went out with a friend afterwards witha fantastic budget of £0. After the population of Brookes Bar failed to take out "buy me a drink" hints, we decided to head back home. So that's where I am. And my box of wine welcomed me with open arms.

So yes, let's keep the blogs short. Interesting moment of the day - stopping Simon Munnery in the street to apologise on behalf of a friend of a friend who totally ruined his show. He hugged me and said not to worry and tried to blame it on himself.

G'bye.

Sophie x

*read

Edinburgh Festival Diary 2nd August 2008

2008-08-04T01:18:00.002Z

This day never happened.

Edinburgh Festival Diary 1st August 2008

2008-08-02T01:44:00.002Z

The first of the blogs that I would really rather not write, but I've committed myself to this blog a day thing. The reason I'd rather not be doing this is that I'm drunk. Proper drunk. Where I've rewritten many of the sentences so far due to total nonsense. I'm concentrating so hard. For you. So fucking appreciate it.

Right. Erm. The show improved today. So good. As long as it keeps improving I'll be happy. A few friend came to see the show including a good friend Helen who came up just to see us. She enjoyed it a lot. Good. She thinks the chaps need to speak up and that we could all do with slowing down a little. Good advice. Er, what else. Fuck I'm pissed. Went to see Simon Munnery who was good but put off by a certain chap. Hey ho. Then I took my friends to see Paul Kerensa's show, which was a lot of fun. Then, er, I bumped into Patrick Monahan who got us in his show. He is such a great crowd pleaser, he should be on TV in a barrymore type situation. Everyone lapped him up. Then... er, met up with a mate for a drink, then went to see a show called "Shaggers", yes, shaggers. It's basically they invite stand ups to come along and they talk about nothing but sex. It was hit and miss. Some people had good crowd banter, some people had good jokes, others were just crude for crude's sake. I'm not easily offended, but if you 'do comedy' without making any jokes, just describing shit porn films, then I might take offence. Don't insult our intelligence. Despite the potential spelling mistakes in this blog. After that I went home and arrived here. It's now almost 3am. Shit. Erm.

G'night. Sorry for shit blog.

Sophie x

Edinburgh Festival Diary 31st July 2008

2008-07-31T23:13:00.002Z

THE FIRST SHOW.

Oh lord. Come on though, let's be chronological. Oh fuck me! There's a moth the size of a bat in here. God, it has blue face make up on and is shouting about freedom and everything. Jeezus Kryst.
Anyway, that's happening now, so that's hardly chronological is it? I did warn you that most of these blogs would be written in a hazy wined state.

Right. Start of the day. Alarm went off. Snooze. Alarm went off again. Snooze. If I keep pressing snooze, I won't have to do the show, right? Right. No. Scott woke me with tea, the nice bastard. He was playing chipper cheesy music. I suppose I'd better get up. So I tea showered and toasted and got myself dressed. Then we went to pick up Paddy. Thank the lord (why's he in this blog so much, get out! That minister friend of mine is a bad influence...) ANYWAY Thank the lord (No!) the was awake and ready to leave. He'd even sorted out a bucket and sellotape for me to decorate for the collection at the end.

When we arrived at the venue they were clearing up from last night's shennanigans (our venue is a club, oh yes!) So I left the boys to attempt to change fuses in plugs and arrange chairs while I went out and did my flyering magic. And it worked. We got 7 people in.

What? 7 people? That's shit. Well, yeh, but it was fine. It was better than 2 shows, one 'established comedian' that we attempted to go to tonight which were cancelled because we were the only people to show up. So, for a show at midday on the first day, 7 is good. Alright. SHUT UP. (Breathe).

So we did the show.

It was probably the BEST THING YOU'LL EVER SEE IN EDINBURGH AND OH MY GOD YOU SHOULD ALL COME AND SEE IT. EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT IN EDINBURGH IT'S WORTH THE JOURNEY. EVEN IF YOU'RE IN AMERICA, IT'S WORTH THE JOURNEY. IT'S HOTTER SHIT THAN SLICED HOT SHIT.

Good. I'm glad we're agreed.

After the show, we went to the Royal Mile for a drink, a smoke and a post-match discussion. While Scott ran back to the venue to get a prop we'd forgotten to pick up, I spotted Tim Vine. It was like "Oh look, there's Tim Vine". Scott ran back and said "Look! There's Tim Vine!" and proceeded to utilise the zoom facility on his camera to snap him on the phone. While this was happening Mr Vine caught my eye and saw what scott was doing, and he did a silly wave. He then walked over and put his arm around me to pose for a photo, all without being asked or removing the phone from his ear. What a nice chap.

What else? Er. Oh yes, I ran into a chap called Joe who worked at Pappy's venue last year so I saw a lot. He was surprised to see that I wasn't depressed yet. So that was nice.

After that I welcomed Harry Deansway, King of the Fix to the flat, and Emily, one of this year's interns. Then, er... Had some dinner, watched some Anually Retentive, which I didn't enjoy that much, and then went to catch those two shows which were cancelled. Good!

I did see two shows which weren't cancelled though. I sauntered into Mark Olver's 'Ramble On', and accidentally accused him of excessive masturbation. Don't drink and comedy! Then we went to see an American chap Scott had made friends with earlier whose show is called Cowboys and Indians. His performance was fantastic and everyone there had a lot of fun. There was a slight case of audience over participation though. You know when someone joins in and they're a star too, but they get a bit carried away and join in too much and you just want them to shut the fuck up? Yeh.

Then I walked home and now I'm here. Since then, the moth happened. And I've spoken to a couple of friend on msn. Yeh, that's right. While doing so, my good friend Paul told me we're listed on chortle and they reckon we're comedy, so that's a good thing. So I had a look and here we are. But who the blimmin heck's face is that? That's none of us, oh no.

So, will tomorrow be better than today? IS THAT POSSIBLE? REMEMBER HOW FUCKING AMAZING I SAID IT WAS!?!(In all seriousness it went well, not perfect, but fine. Onwards and upwards)

Bye bye now, I have to get to bed. (Well maybe just one more glass of wine first...)

Sophie x

Edinburgh Festival Diary 30th July 2008 - ADDENDUM

2008-07-30T23:36:00.002Z

I forgot to point out this thing I found in the fringe programme. Doug Stanhope's entry...

Day With Doug Unprecedented opportunity to spend a full day with Doug Stanhope. Who knows what magic this might mean? One ticket only available. No hangers-on/mates - just you and Doug for the day. Over 18s only.

25 Aug 2008

11:00

£7349.00

You can actually book THE ticket here.

What a hero.

Sophie x

Edinburgh Festival Diary 30th July 2008

2008-07-30T23:20:00.002Z

If you're one of those annoying bastards who think that once it's past midnight it's the next day then the show is today. Argh. You know the twunts I mean, you're at a party and say,

"Anyway, I'd better go, up early tomorrow"
"Don't you mean today?! It's 2am!!!"
"Fuck off you pedantic imbecile."

I think it's generally accepted that the day begins when you wake, right? Jeez. The show is not today, it's tomorrow. So fuck off. Yes, today I have a headache, I had a couple of glasses of wine, but couldn't have more because I don't feel well. Scott thinks it's because I am nervous, and I am nervous, but do nerves give you a feeling of trapped wind? I hope it's not saving itself for the show tomorrow.

Anyway, breathe......

Ah, that's better. Right. Today... Run through, over ran again, decided to cut a favourite sketch of mine. I get to repeatedly sing the theme tune to Dawson's Creek in it. Who wouldn't love that? Anyway, it is not to be. Maybe one night we can swap it in, but for now it has to go.

"I don't wanna wait, for my life to be over, I want to know right now, what will it be?"

That's the Dawson's Creek theme tune, right? Good. Erm, what after that. We went in to town to again attempt to pick up our flyers. This time success. They look great. It was also very exciting to see our posters up outside the venue. While there I also picked up my press pass and some tickets Scott and I had prebooked. One of these included tickets for the recording of a radio show Armando Iannucci is recording up here. The girl at the box office said,

"And two for Armando... erm, Charm Offensive"
"It's Iannucci"
"Oh. It's funny what ridiculous names they give their shows isn't it?"
"Yeh, that's actually his name."
"Oh."

It's good to know they only hire the best at the Fringe box office. She also pronounced Fauré (fow-ree). What a dick. Isn't this blog in such a good mood. Does it show I'm anxious about tomorrow? I'm looking forward to it, but shitting my pants. Basically a mood I've been in for months now. Feeling much more confident about the show now though. Yes.

I also met up with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen for years. He used to be my vocal coach, teaching me to sing good and that. Then he moved back up to Scotland, so I haven't seen him for a while. Some of you may remember him from such blogs as 'Minister's Question Time'.

The evening involved a final rehearsal, a headache, a pseudo-nap (I can't nap as it takes me over an hour to get to sleep. I just rest) and then heading off to the Free Festival launch party.

Met a lovely girl called Katrina, who's show is called Hurricane Katrina. You should all go and see it. Because she was nice. Alright? Good.

I'd best go to bed now. Early start tomorrow. And some show thing. God, what if no one turns up?

The show must go on...

Sophie x

Edinburgh Festival Diary 29th July 2008

2008-07-29T23:03:00.002Z

Yes. The Fopp staff in Edinburgh are total winners. For those of you who can't make out what's going on here (what are you, an idiot?), this is a staff recommendation for The Wicker Man and under "why we like it" Steven (the hero) has written...

"A great sing along soundtrack. Like Grease with more breasts. Best Scottish film ever?"

Steven is obviously a hero.

What else happened today? This -

Wake up. Rehearsals. Have lunch. Rehearsals. Wander into town. Go to Fopp. Snigger. Take Photo. Have Haggis, tatties* and neeps** for dinner at what was apparently the oldest pub in Edinburgh. Come home. Wine. Rehe(Wine.)arsals. Wine. Come online. Wine. Write Blog.

The show starts on Thursday 31st. Bye.

Sophie x

*Potatoes/Potartoes
**Turnips/Turnarps

Edinburgh Festival Diary 28th July 2008

2008-07-28T21:41:00.002Z

*caution* This and most of the blogs following will be written under the influence of wine, tiredness and a deluded "I'm having fun honest" sort of denial outfit. But it suits me, and I wear it often.

Right, so I'm going to write a daily blog while I'm here at the Edinburgh Festival. As some of you will, and some of you won't know, I'm taking part in a show here. Myself and two others - Scott and Paddy - are performing a comedy sketch show called In The Mouth. This comes from the fact we are Bournemouth people, not the fact that we all like a big pile of spunk in our mouths, though this may be true* However, since I have been telling friends, and particularly comedians about the show I get a raised eyebrow and occasionally a question such as "is it racy?" It's not racey unless you're into the idea of me in a beard as Darwin in the style of Dudley Moore. What?

Oh, what's in a name?!

So, yes, DAY ONE! I started packing, and when I say packing I mean unpacking (from uni) then packing (for Edinburgh), God, where was I? I started packing at about 10pm. And there was much laundry to be done and sorting and zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Sorry I bored myself there. Basically I got to sleep at 4am after some emergency magazine work. And the alarm went beeeeeeeeeeeeeep (it didn't, I'm totally lying at you, it played 6music) at 6.30am. Good!

God, sorry! blah-blah-blah, in conclusion I was tired when I got here. Nice flat, landlord is a Scottish Hugh Laurie. My boyfriend disagrees with this, but I'm sure it's because he doesn't want to encourage it, knowing I crushed on Hugh Laurie way before all you Americans* found him hot in House. George in Blackadder the Third as a teenage crush? FTW!

So Edinburgh is pretty dead at the moment. It's the first time Scott has been here so I showed him around the town, pointing out the main venues, drinking holes, castle, bagpipe players, and standing open mouthed at the fog....

It was sunny two hours ago! Now I can't see a thing. Yes, that's the castle, 20 metres away. What do you mean "Where?"?***...

So, not much to report as yet, apart from the fact we're all far too relaxed about the show. Hey ho. I wan't to achieve either (or both) of the following things.

1 - Have a good time.
2 - Put on a good show.

And that's the priority order.

Just a little room here for some shameless self-promotion right? (Don't forget to check the footnotes below****)

Bye guys, check back. At some point there will actually be stuff going on and I won't blabber on about nothing. Mmm.... wine.

Sophie x

*I'm assuming.
** Brayton? You would, right?
*** This seems like ridiculous punctuation but it seems to make logical sense.
****Because they're SO worth it.

HAHA! You've got poo on you!

2008-05-20T21:45:00.002Z

Another controversial Dispatches last night. It was a piece about Christian Fundamentalists called In God's Name.

It. Was. Fantastic. There were some truly scary things shown. The two that really got to me were footage of faith schools and the influence one particular religious fundamentalist had in parliament.

BUT there was some fabulous comic relief where the total TWAT Stephen Green gets shat on by a seagull while at a Christian Voice protest outside a production of Jerry Springer the Opera.

Watch the whole clip to see some scary faith school stuff too, or if you just want to see poo poo on a Christian fundamentalist, fast forward to the 2 minute mark.

AMEN TO THAT!

Sophie x

Minister's Question Time

2008-05-06T01:09:00.004Z

I have this friend. He is now training to be a Presbyterian Minister. He's a good friend of mine. Here's what happened when a late night msn chat turned a rather theological/philosophical....

And of course his name isn't Minister, I changed it to protect his anonymity.

Minister says:

Lonely is a state which one must learn to accept

Sophie says:

Is that the lesson you're going to teach me?

Sophie says:

What a downer sermon

Sophie says:

jeez

Minister says:

believe me, when you tell people you are studying to become a minister

Minister says:

you have to deal with lonely

Sophie says:

really? people can be so closed-minded

Minister says:

Yup

Minister says:

but it's ok

Sophie says:

talking about it is nice though

Minister says:

You should have heard my sermon on Sunday

Sophie says:

what was it about?

Minister says:

it was about making tough choices

Minister says:

title was

Minister says:

Be Alert

Minister says:

(as in Allen)

Sophie says:

*is alert*

Sophie says:

Woody Allen?

Minister says:

yaar

Sophie says:

i heart woody

Minister says:

ANYWAY

Minister says:

I'll bet you do, girl

Sophie says:

so how do you make a tough choice?

Minister says:

Through prayer and contemplation

Sophie says:

how does the decision come about?

Sophie says:

and who do i pray to?

Sophie says:

if i pray, right, and i'm just doing it because you told me to, will god still hear me? or will he ignore me because i don't believe in him?

Sophie says:

hello? are you ignoring me because i don't believe in you?

Minister says:

whom, please

Minister says:

(English students!)

Minister says:

To God

Sophie says:

(who is accepted in spoken english as a colloquialism)

Minister says:

Not in my world

Sophie says:

okay, so anyway, answer my question

Minister says:

And neither is the split infinitive

Minister says:

I shall go boldly

Sophie says:

is that something up with which you shall not put?

Minister says:

Yaar

Sophie says:

stop evading the question!

Minister says:

Which one?

Minister says:

To whom should you pray?

Sophie says:

if i pray, right, and i'm just doing it because you told me to, will god still hear me? or will he ignore me because i don't believe in him

Minister says:

Well, that question is loaded, and well you know it

Minister says:

IF you choose to pray

Minister says:

you should pray because YOU fell you need/want/wish/are compelled to do so

Minister says:

NOT because I tell you to

Minister says:

or anybody else

Sophie says:

of course, that is logical. but what if i'm doing it as a pascal's wager kind of thing. i don't believe in it, but hey, give it a go in case it's true

Minister says:

Good question: perhaps I am not the right person to ask, because

Minister says:

like Paul

Minister says:

(as in writer of Romans/Corinthians etc)

Sophie says:

i know!

Minister says:

I am PERSUADED that there is no alternative

Minister says:

You see: the trouble is, we tend to pray (eg HELP) when things go belly-up

Minister says:

always assuming that we know what the right thing is

Minister says:

BUT

Minister says:

and this is the difficult bit

Minister says:

actually, often the 'right' thing is not the thing we want, but rather the thing which happens

Sophie says:

right according to?

Minister says:

only we only know this is the case when we reflect

Minister says:

right according to how life turns out

Minister says:

(with BIG squeezy, huggy emphasis on life!)

Sophie says:

not according to what god wants?

Minister says:

And cheese

Minister says:

Oh dear:

Minister says:

Mis understanding of the idea of God, perhaps

Sophie says:

well isn't everyone's understanding of god different?

Minister says:

Yes and no

Minister says:

Now don't interrupt!

Sophie says:

he gave us commandments didn't he? surely he has a view of what is right and wrong?

Sophie says:

sorry

Minister says:

Sophie says:

carry on

Minister says:

Lost thread now

Minister says:

ermmmmmmmmmmmm

Minister says:

oh yes

Minister says:

and three pints of wine

Minister says:

oooops

Minister says:

sorry

Minister says:

wrong notes

Sophie says:

pint glass eh?

Sophie says:

classy

Minister says:

Isaiah 45:7...

Sophie says:

(i'd prefer your words)

Minister says:

....I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the Lord, do all these things.

Sophie says:

what a guy!

Minister says:

Everything that is exists within God

Minister says:

Nothing can eclipse or diminish or control or overpower God

Minister says:

If my knee hurts, I can ask for strength to deal with it, but the HURT exists as much within God as I do

Minister says:

I may not understand WHY it hurts

Minister says:

(I don't)

Minister says:

but I must learn to exist WITH it

Sophie says:

yes, so what is this to do with god having an idea of what is moral/right and whether it happens. because if nothing controls or overpowers him (eg fate) then surely it's all up to him?

Minister says:

You clearly need some RS lessons!

Minister says:

Moral/right etc etc: human constructs

Minister says:

GOD is right

Minister says:

punkt

Minister says:

BUT

Minister says:

I cannot begin to comprehend God

Minister says:

Over centuries people have recorded their experiences to try and gain some kind of access to God, but it is at best through a glass darkly

Minister says:

(that's Paul)

Minister says:

!!!!!!!

Minister says:

BUT

Sophie says:

okay, so if there's this huge distance why does he exist to you?

Sophie says:

(sorry)

Minister says:

Because God does exist to me.

Minister says:

At the darkest times

Minister says:

(and there have been many)

Minister says:

God has been there

Minister says:

even though I have denied it

Minister says:

(AND i HAVE......VEHEMENTLY)

Minister says:

I feel it, then know it....if that makes sense

Sophie says:

That does make sense

Sophie says:

totally

Sophie says:

that's how I used to feel, then I realised that it was the atmosphere of the church, the music, it made me feel stuff

Minister says:

And why couldn’t that be God?

Sophie says:

why should it be?

Minister says:

BIG question: why try to limit God to what suits us at the moment?

Sophie says:

is that what you think i'm doing?

Minister says:

It's what we all do most of the time

Sophie says:

is it?

Sophie says:

but that's assuming god is an entity in everyone's lives. which isn't true

You have just sent a nudge.

Sophie says:

stop looking in the bible for quotes!

Minister says:

and as poor old Job found out, it's not for us to demand answers

Sophie says:

my nickname as a child was jobby

Sophie says:

...

Sophie says:

we should question though, surely!?

Minister says:

It is sufficient for us to accept that God IS, and that everything is held within that

Minister says:

Question, yes

Minister says:

But it is the slant of the question..........

Minister says:

If someone said "Sleep with me or I won't belive that you love me"

Minister says:

That is conditional love, yes??

Minister just sent you a nudge.

Sophie says:

yeh, that's just .... emotional blackmail

Minister says:

exactly

Minister says:

Now (and this is not a cheap get out)

Minister says:

read the New Testament!

Minister says:

And the Old!

Minister says:

God is love, created the universe in love, and, although the OT is full of blood and guts stuff, it is

Minister says:

or I believe...

Minister says:

must be read in the light of the NT

Minister says:

ie: God loved the world into existence

Minister says:

and continues to love it

Minister says:

BUT

Minister says:

free will allow me to make a choice

Sophie says:

what of the noah story then?

Minister says:

when someone uses that particular argument

Minister says:

(OT darlin, and READ it, in light of NT)

Minister says:

re love

Sophie says:

i've read quite a lot of it

Minister says:

towards me, it took a while until I got what was going on

Sophie says:

i did go to church youth group y'know

Minister says:

But where is YOUR relationship with God?

Sophie says:

I don't have one

Minister says:

Why not?

Sophie says:

Same reason you do. It's my belief

Minister says:

THAT is NOT an answer!

Sophie says:

Okay

Sophie says:

ready?

Minister says:

Because life has shat on you?

Sophie says:

No! Life is okay, highs and lows, but okay

Minister says:

go for it

Minister says:

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sophie says:

because it's based on myths and there are so many different religions believing similar and opposite things, and i believe people have religion as comfort AND

Sophie says:

i believe in the dinosaurs and evolution

Sophie says:

let me find a quote that sums me up (from a theist)

Minister says:

So do I

Minister just sent you a nudge.

Sophie says:

“When I see the blind and wretched state of man, when i survey the whole universe in its dumbness and man left to himself with no light, as though lost in this corner of the universe, without knowing who put him there, what he has come to do, what will become of him when he dies, incapable of knowing anything, I am moved to terror, like a man transported in his sleep to some terrifying desert island, who wakes up quite lost with no means of escape. Then I marvel that so wretched a state does not drive people to despair.”

Sophie says:

Religion and God is a way to put these fears aside, If you believe in that you are slightly more free from existential dread

Sophie says:

As a person who doesn't believe in that, i'm astounded by the world, i feel lost, alone, and scared.

Sophie says:

But what can I do, pretend to believe? I just don't.

Minister says:

I'll share something:

Minister says:

Religion is a creation of man

Minister says:

God is WAY outside that

Minister says:

I am just as scared, unhappy, confused and lonely as the next person........

Minister says:

but I am not nailed up on a couple of pieces of wood for telling people to live lives for the benefit of all

Minister says:

for teaching about love

Minister says:

and self-sacrifice

Minister says:

and respect

Sophie says:

yes yes, so let me ask you this, is the bible stories, metaphors, fact, or a mixture. To you...

Minister says:

The Bible containes truths about life/existence etc

Minister says:

but these truths need to be teased out

Minister says:

therefore prayer and contemplation are an essential part

Minister says:

there is history/experience/ faith/metaphor/story in the collection of books which make up the Bible

Sophie says:

ok, so. creationism?

Minister says:

stupid

Sophie says:

good, ok. i'd like to ask, prayer and contemplation to tease the truths about existence from the bible....

Sophie says:

how is this different from contemplating on any other writings from men, philosophers, and so on

Minister says:

In many ways it is not

Minister says:

the major difference is perhaps linguistic

Minister says:

BUT

Minister says:

The Greek Philosophers looked for the ONE force

Minister says:

for ME this one force is God

Minister says:

But God is bigger than I shall ever comprehend

Minister says:

but I shall love the journey of discovery

Sophie says:

Part of me is jealous

Minister says:

Why?

Sophie says:

I don't know.

Minister says:

Just let go!

Sophie says:

Of what?

Minister says:

The need to KNOW

Minister says:

Just be!

Sophie says:

I have a curious mind (which god gave me?)

Minister says:

Indeed

Minister says:

Watch Dogma!

Minister says:

Then Bruce Almighty

Minister says:

Then read the book of Job...carefully!

Minister says:

And now I must go as I have to be in college at 9!

Sophie says:

Okay, I've done the first two, I'll look at the third tonight.

Minister says:

You'll need more than an evening!

Sophie says:

I know, I meant start

Sophie says:

git

Minister says:

Happy reading

Famous Poems That I Hate #1.

2008-04-29T00:39:00.002Z

When I die, I want you to weep. I am there, but I’m dead.

You’ll never see me again, not in any romantic natural scene.

So cry, okay? Because I’m dead.

And that’s really pretty shit.

On Films and Indulgence

2008-04-29T00:08:00.002Z

I don’t like watching films much. And I think I’ve just realised why.

I just watched The Darjeeling Limited. I’ve wanted to watch it for a long time, but (as I said) I don’t like watching films much. If you’ve seen the film you will know that there are tender moments in it, but it is hardly the sort of film you’d cry at.

I didn’t cry, but if I was on my own I would have.

When I watch a film, I feel sad. I am moved too easily. Even if a film has a happy ending, I will feel elated, and then the realisation as the credits roll that I will soon have to leave the comfortable world (if it be that) that the film has created. If it is a sad film, I will be moved even more so. I think I have cried harder at a film than any situation in my life. I’m really thinking hard. I can’t think of a moment in my life where I sobbed so thoroughly as at The Elephant Man.
It’s not as if nothing sad as ever happened to me, I have cried plenty. But I think that films give you a comfortable sphere, or bubble, or something like that, where you can cry and cry and cry and cry. Really indulge yourself in tears.

Because it feels good.

When the film is over, I find it hard to return immediately to being me (that’s the happy, jokey, fun, whatever-you-think-of-me, Me.) I’ll feel sad for a while. Often if I watch a film I’ll feel upset for hours. I’ll pontificate on how the film made me feel, why I was so upset, why do I get so upset? I’ll examine why I found certain scenes so sad, was it because of something that happened to me, or how I’m feeling about someone at that time?

People say that cinema is escapism. It allows you to hide away from your life for a couple of hours. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t. It makes you feel, hurt, love and drags up all these feelings and they can’t be simply extinguished by rolling credits and some nice music at the end.

That’s why I don’t like watching films much.

Sophie x

Back to normal

2008-04-26T15:45:00.005Z

Enough with the dissertation crap, let's resume normal blog life. Hello there! Sit ye down and enjoy a nice cup of nonsense.

Ssssip. Mmm it goes down well!

I really don't know what I'm going to talk about today. The main British news story is that Humphrey Littleton has died. Sad news. I have nothing funny, nor (more importantly) insightful or wise to say about that, so I shall not even mention it.

I suppose I could talk about student 'japes'. I went to this party, and funny stuff happened! HAHAHAHA!

I guess you had to be there. It seems anecdotes are not the way, not today.

So..... erm.... why write a blog when you have nothing to say? Well, isn't that essentially what I'm trying to say? Isn't it true that no one ever actually has anything to say? No.

Oh I KNOW! Boy, did anyone watch Question Time when the three main runners for London Mayor were on it? It was brilliant. There was bickering, name calling, sulking and shouting. But the best bit, by FAR the best bit was where some idiot in the crowd asked the question -

"If your leadership style were a food, what food would it be?"

(I've just googled to see if I can find the exact quotes and it seems I picked out the same bit as The Sun....)

Anyway, Boris said this ...
“My style would be the difference between Tesco’s brand cornflakes and the most extravagantly priced brand of cornflakes.”

Paddick said this...
“rare fillet steak — fit, lean and does you the world of good”.

and reigning champ, Livingstone said this...
“I’d be fruit and veg because it’s good for you and it helps the environment with less cows.”

How 'Blind Date' can you get? Are we asking these types of questions because we have no idea what these people are like, and are going on personality rather than policies? If this is the case, we simply have to go for Paddick. What rhetoric. I'd get on that.

Speaking of chat up lines, how's this one -

"If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes."

You like that one? Of course you do. You wonderful geeks.

Now, I'm a multimedia sort of gal, unlike most of the world, I read books as well as look at screens, but right now, I'm going to keep you at your screen. But I promise you, it's giggletastic.
I was sent this video with the idea that it is a genuine chat show where the presenter gets the giggles at a man with an unfortunate 'voice disability'

That's funny right? Now, I've seen it a couple of times now and I can't help but think it's a staged sketch. A good one, though! Just the fact that none of the audience laugh too gives it away for me. That laughter is so infectious I can't believe everyone would be able to keep a straight face. Unless of course they were actually deeply offended.

What do you reckon?

I'm not going to do the conundrum any more because no one really cares, right?

Love you all,

Sophie x

According to the bible = Fact

2008-04-14T20:06:00.003Z

I'm currently watching a 'documentary' on Channel 4 called The Quest for the Lost Ark. Here's what Radiotimes.com says -

"Put on your sceptical spectacles for this one, as writer and academic Tudor Parfitt makes a heck of a claim: "I've solved a mystery that's 25 centuries old . . . If I'm right it will change everything anyone has ever believed about the fabled lost Ark of the Covenant." Yes - if. Those who stick with the film will reach their own verdict on whether Parfitt's Indiana Jones-ish story about the container that held the Ten Commandments stands up. For me, his argument made more daring leaps than a tipsy mountain goat. Even so, it's an interesting dissertation on biblical myth and archaeology, tracing Jewish traditions from a labyrinth under Jerusalem to southern Africa, as Parfit pursues his theory about one of the holiest objects in history."

Tudor (if that's his real name) uses biblical writings to prove his discoveries -

"According to the bible", "According to religious tradition", and "According to bollocky bill the sailor" are phrases much used in this programme so far.

Deary me. I'm so mad. That's why I'm here. Hello you!

Craig won the conundrum, it was WHEREUPON. Tricky one I thought. But he is yet to give me a blogging topic, so here I am of my own volition.

Anyway back to bible facts. You know Jesus wasn't even born in Jerusalem, according to the best information available. Apparently it was changed in the gospels to match up with the prophecy of the Old Testament. What a load of wibble. (This info is written much better in The God Delusion.... I can't remember where...)

Aw, the cuprinol spray fence paint advert. One of the rare adverts which is yet to annoy me. The men do the policeman laughing thing. Hur hur! Oooh Samuel L Jackson.... VIRGINMEDIA IS THE FUCKNUTZ YEH!

Oh good, the 'documentary' is back on. His first sentence has included the sentence 'The bible records'. Oh fuck blimey. Honestly?

I'm going to make a documentary called 'The Quest for the lost Wally', where I shall look for Wally (fictional) and use phrases such as "according to the second wally book", and then claim at the end that Wally lives on in our hearts, or some other bollocks.

This 'tudor' man (who seems not to have been enlightened since that very age) claims he knows where the ark is now. My housemates reckon he's going to conclude that it is in our hearts. But I don't think so. I think he'll just name some place which it is impossible to reach and validate this with facts such as "according to this new gospel I just wrote, it is there....simple!"

BANG! And the mystery is gone.

I just remarked to my housemate Geoff that this programme is an hour and a half long and he immediately reached for the remote.

I really must go, or I'll just babble infuriated atheism at you. As we're waiting for the results of the last conundrum are yet to be resolved (spam Craig if you want) here's a little question...

If you could write a religious book that would have it's message followed by a large percentage of civilisation from now on, what would be your one overriding theme?

I'd probably stick with shunning menstruating women. And gays.

Sophie x

EDIT******

GOOD GOD! (excuse the pun/whatever)

The programme has just concluded with his theory that this drum type thing he found that is 900 years old (or 600 my housemate says it was) is a remake of the ark of the covenant, and so is essentially the actual ark of the covenant. After this 'huge revelation', he balances his opinion with that of his colleague, who says "No, there's no proof, don't be a twat".

At last. Why didn't you tell him that an hour and a half ago?

Darkhorse Dan and thesophie blog together

2008-04-14T18:51:00.002Z

Dan doesn't seem to like the freeform of these blogs. Basically what we do is sit in the room, chat and type and see how our blogs turn out differently. But he wants me to explain it over and over. Just go with it dan, let's get naked and roll about in words and bloggasms.

I just put the light on and said "I'll put the light on, maybe we'll be enlightened". That's what it's like living with me.

What kind of question?

When's the cake ready? I don't know. I'd better go and check....

It's due to beep in twelve minutes. dan's freaking out at the way he doesn't know what to write, seriously it's funny. He looks fraught with fear.

Don't tell Dan, but I just realised that I put loads of floor dust stuff on his bed from my slippers. Oops. Mmmm the cake smells good.

I'm looking at Dan's books. He's got The God Delusion, well that's mine but I leant it to him. And James Joyce, I tried to read that once. I didn't like it.

Dan's still asking questions.

Now he's reading the a quote from The God Delusion that is well God. Paraphrased it says God is a cunt.
OOOOOOOHH OOOOH someone's just arrived. It's Paddy and Geoff. Confusion over who's cooking dinner because there's a cake in the oven. I don't know about anyone else but I'm having lemon drizzle cake for dinner. Oh Dan is doing Kievs. I'll have that then.

Dan's stressed out about Mario. oh not that, another mario. OH NO! A real stress.
Online tutorials are the bane of his life. Don't try new things Dan, there's a lesson there.

When the oven beeps we must stop writing, like in an exam.

Dan says he though God was a bastard as a kid. I never did. I never really had any thoughts about it at all. I remember trying to think of arguments to prove he was a woman and failing, and I remember realising I didn't believe in him at all. I guess that's all that matters. If he doesn't exist, it doesn't matter if he is a shit or not. Because he doesn't exist. Like Maddy? No.

Someone just turned on the TV "Hussein was attacked by a gang of black youths"
Ain't we all, mate.

Dan's going to get a sonic screwdriver, it GON' BE GOOOOOD!

I've got cold feet (in the literal sense).

What's been the high point of Dan's d

In which I go to Alton Towers and talk about Paedophilia (again).

2008-04-11T22:07:00.005Z

Hello you!

Have you missed me? I bet you have. I bet you've been writing fanblogs.

Anyway, while I've been busy with my dissertation I did write a few notes down of things to write about in future blogs. Here are a few amusing anecdotes I noted down....

1. Mum heroine spoon

2. Nightmare Hanson

3. Conservative Man on the train

4. Big Cook little cook

I imagine I intended to elaborate on these but blimey heck and fuckles, I shall not. So there.

So I got my dissertation in all fine and it was okay in the end. It's called Don't Blaspheme for God's Sake! Schnarf! It's all about the right to blaspheme and how comedy is the place to do it. If you're interested I have a pdf for you. Just hit me with your email address and you can read the wonderment. Let joy be unconfined!

Since then I've been celebrating and doing very little. I went to the Doctor Who exhibition at Earls Court, I went to see Gogol Bordello at Brixton Academy, turned 23 and went to Alton Towers. These were all a lot of fun, but the highlight would have to be Gogol Bordello. It was the second time I'd seen them and they were just as marvellous. I made a foolish footwear choice though. Canvas pumps. Not the right thing for a mosh pit. Bruises followed. They still ache, over a week later.

Alton Towers was great too. I get a bit weird with adrenaline....
If you haven't been since the arrival of oblivian, the vertical drop rollercoaster, I insist that you do. It made me do a noise that sounded like pain and orgasm rolled into one groan. But it was oh-so-good! In the picture they take, my friend Paul had ecstatic joys all over his face. Someone pointed this out and Paul remarked that for that 2 seconds he felt truly alive. So if you're a maudlin inclined melancholic person, get yourself to Alton Towers and find out what happiness feels like!

But, dear reader, I have a confession to make. I am now an iCunt. FEAR NOT! I have not bought a mac, but received an iPod for my birthday from my far-too-genorous boyfriend. And I have to admit, it is great. Fuck. But it did mean that I had to sort out my iTunes library which meant alphebetisation, sorting, labelling and cor blimey I love that sort of thing.

Thursday was my birthday and I spent the majority of the day travelling from Manchester to Bournemouth. I happened upon an abandoned guardian and grabbed it with my greedy liberal hands. Inside was this beauty which I ripped out and put in my wallet (click for bigger)
So, to recap, children are pretending to be paedophiles pretending to be children. That's fantastic! My fear (and worry not, I'll be getting in touch with the Daily Mail) is that paedophiles will read the guardian and say, "hmmmm.....". After saying that they will then go online and pretend to be a child pretending to be a paedophile pretending to be a child.

This is all quite stressful and confusing. They think it's children because they're using the language used is "at times childish". Now I'm sure paedophiles have already thought of this one. But what about that Monkey Dust sketch where a paedophile pretends to be a child and ends up meeting up with another paedophile doing exactly the same? Well.... what if a child pretending to be a paedophile and a paedophile pretending to be a child meet up? No that's just confusing. Would that be good for either? Erm. What about a child pretending to be a paedophile and a child who is just a child but wants to be voilated by a paedophile. Imagine the poor child's disappointment when they arrive at the park, botty lubed, to see their little brother's mate tommy sat on the park bench? We must protect children from this eventuality. Ensure that paedophiles on the internet are real paedophiles not these bastards faking it. What on earth is the world coming to?

Not all paedophiles take it this seriously though. For some it's just a hobby, now and again....

I like to be a paedophile, a paedophile, a peaedophile.
I like to touch the kids and smile, (not always,once in a paedowhile.)

On that note, (it was B flat) I shall close my blog.

Let's bring back the conundrum! I think it's quite a tricky one today. So good luck!

H E W O N P U R E

Keep it bloggy,

Sophie x

Calling all stalkers!

2008-03-16T16:19:00.003Z

I have been away for a while, I know. And I probably shall be some more.

This is just a quick one to let you know that I have started a tumblr account.

You can read it HERE.

The idea is, apparently, is that if a blog (this) is like a diary, then tumblr is like a scrapbook. I put up photos, quotes, brief text entries etc.

Here are the last couple of entries to give you a taster...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE WORKS ARE COMING!

I’ve got the “WORK!” written on post its all around my room

I don’t recognise the word anymore. It seems it should be pronounced to rhyme with hawk rather than shirk.

Like a sci-fi character rather like the E-woks. Maybe it’s the almost-anagramism that makes me think of them. THE WORKS ARE COMING!

I wish my work was coming. I guess it is….

Dissertation encouragement anyone?

-----------------------------------------

Why was the Adobe Acrobat document arrested?

it was a .pdf file

---------------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------------

So there you are. If you're on tumblr, click follow me and then I can follow you too. It's a stalker's dream. Then you can 'happen' upon me and tell me how you like e e cummings, david shrigley, francesca woodman, etc and i'll be amazed.

Laters,

Sophie x

Travelling home to say goodbye

2008-02-17T01:28:00.000Z

Usually when I’m going home it’s a good thing, to see my Mother, to see my boyfriend, or for a nice long break from Uni meaning Summertime, Christmas or Easter, Birthday time. I even enjoy the train ride. I enjoy its solitude. I even dread seeing someone I know who I will be forced to converse with. Train-time is a most wonderful alone time. Just you and your music, or you and your book to read, or you and your notebook. Or even just you. It’s nice.

I’m going home, by the sounds of it, to watch my Grandma die. When grandparents die, you immediately move to thinking of your parents, how they must feel, and how much you dread that time coming to you. Well I do anyway.

My father’s parents have both passed away. When his dad died I was, I think, aged about 14. We had to write a poem for school, so I write about my Granddad’s death. But I didn’t. I wrote about my Father and how my view of him had changed. It was, for example, the first time I saw him cry.
So here’s the poem. Finding it on my computer, I discovered I dated the file 11.11.02. So I was in fact 17.

Fallen Tree

I sat for hours in the seat behind Dad
Glimpsing trees tall and just as quickly gone
At one o’clock he pulled up at her home.

In the car I watched his mother lifeless –
He led her wheelchair to the car delicately –
And Debbie saying how lost and lonely she looked.

The Shetland fiddlers played and smiled gaily
In the church, and I was scared by Dad
Remaining deathly still as branches creaked

And leaves fell from the fir as tears off a face.
Faces once joyous are waned from straining on
Amongst their thoughts as the vicar reads the memory

Of Dad’s mighty oak, felled to the earth.
At two the bells beckoned us to the yard
With the box, blanched and buried to the ground.

That night I went to Dad’s room. The leaves had fallen
And his bark had been torn bare. I saw him
Now not as my strong Dad. But as a son

Lying in bed waiting for his father’s return
But he hasn’t a tree to lean on now.
I am sad, as I am losing mine.

A great father, a granddad now with God.

I forget whether we were supposed to imitate a particular poet’s style, or whether I was being pretentious because the format is pretty forced and clunky. Poetry isn’t exactly my thing.

Also you may note from the last line that this was at a time where I still believed that I believed in God. How five years and a moving choral moment can make you realise it’s all bollocks.

I’m scared of arriving home. I don’t like to deal with this sort of thing. I like to hide. Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital with my sister to see her. I don’t want to. Well of course I do, but I’m scared to. Scared of getting upset. Death is much easier to deal with when it is kind of detached. You get a phone call, you cry, you go to a funeral, sing hymns and watch a box being buried or burned. But I always see the box as a symbol for the life of the person. A metaphor for death, not the corpse of the person you loved actually in that box, don’t be ridiculous. If you actually force yourself to realise that they are in there, a corpse of dead flesh that once held a soul and laughter. It’s times like this that I wish that I’m wrong, that there is an afterlife, or even a God. But I don’t believe that, and I count myself amongst the atheists who find that all pretty fucking scary. Hence my fascination with religion, perhaps.

At the moment I’m reading Pascal’s Penseés and there is a passage that really hit home. I’ve shared this with a few like-minded friends before, but it’s the first time on here...

“When I see the blind and wretched state of man, when I survey the whole universe in its dumbness and man left to himself with no light, as though lost in this corner of the universe, without knowing who put him there, what he has come to do, what will become of him when he dies, incapable of knowing anything, I am moved to terror, like a man transported in his sleep to some terrifying desert island, who wakes up quite lost and with no means of escape.
Then I marvel that so wretched a state does not drive people to despair”

So, I am afraid of tomorrow. I’d rather shrink from it all.

WAS THIS THE FUNNIEST BLOG YOU HAVE EVER READ!? SEND VOTE SOPHIE DEATH THOUGHTS TO 36663!

I would put a countdown conundrum on here, but my Grandma so HATES Richard Whitely and both the Des’.

So I shall refrain.

Sophie x

Izzard & other animals.

2008-02-04T16:08:00.000Z

What since last?

CRAZY STUDENT TIMES

Also, I went to the year above's degree show in that London. It was a quite modest occasion really, but there was free wine so it soon turned to a fantastic make a fool of yourself evening.

Then on Friday I wandered about that London with Paddy. We had breakfast in a pret a manger which was rubbish, went to oxford street so i could buy some warmer clothes, went to HMV and saw adam buxton, went to Waterstones and saw Vic Reeves, then wandered around wanting to find a third fantastic comedian. I'd seen a poster for an exhibition at the Barbican called "Sex", the poster had a picture of a pair of lips, but vertical, so it looked like a lady's front bottom. This is the sort of art I dig (particularly love Hans Bellmer as those who know me well will know, check him out). So we went to seek out the Barbican. Paddy was all full of knowledge of knowing where it was, so I just followed him. We went to entirely the wrong place and ended up with me asking the woman at a counter of a tiny art museum that obvsiouly wasn't the Barbican "is this the Barbican?" Anyway, it turned out that exhibition had finished. So I twoddled off to the tate modern on my tod while Paddy went to see a film to fall asleep to. Oh hungover warm cinema bliss!

(By the way, anyone seen the crack in the turbine hall installation? It left me rather cold.... it's a crack....deeeeep. It's not even that deep. So many levels. Well it's just on the bottom level. Metaphorically speaking.)

UPDATE - My comment was never put up on the daily mail website about Langham. Quelle surprise!

Then Friday night we went to see Eddie Izzard's work in progress at the Arts. This was kind of a last chance saloon for Izzard to keep my fandom. I grew up watching his dvds and before I really got to know the circuit, he was my favourite. I was one of those annoying people that know all the lines to his routine and would quote non-stop. The first time I saw him live was on the Sexie tour, I was excited as a nutnut, sat next to my Dad in the eastbourne theatre. But it went on for 5 hours. And about 45 minutes was really funny. It was very disappointing. Then I went to see the same show at the Wembley Arena with different people and was disappointed further. The show was exactly the same, a history lecturer with a few witty jokes and good performances. This wasn't the izzard I loved. So as I waited to go in, I wasn't expecting to be blown away, but I was. He is truly back on form. There were a few bits hungover from the Sexie tour, but he'd taken the funny bits, cut out the history lessons, added more funny and dome enthusiasm as well. Fab, really fab.

So, the first to get the conundrum from the last blog was PAUL. He requested I draw him for his myspace.
Double deffo-tastic! It's not the most flattering of doodles, but believe me, I am RUBBISH at drawing, so am pretty proud of this. Imagine being proud of that picture.... that's my life.

When I asked for a blog subject however, he implied I was being lazy in this being a prize, that I was getting people to think for me. This is entirely true, BUT I just want my people to be happy.

So because of this, I shall change the prize. But I can't think of anything. I'll draw you if you like. I dunno. Anything that doesn't involve cash or compromising my dignity.

Here's the next conundrum anyway

ACILLIBUM

Hehe, silly bum.

That's all folks.

Bye xxx

Living on the tracks

2008-01-28T01:55:00.000Z

Sunday 27^th January 9pm

There’s a thing a lot of people have been saying about the combination of listening to comedy and public transport. That thing is DON’T. Never the twain shall meet. But the truth is, it’s the best time to listen. At home, you’re either doing something else and can’t give the comedy your full attention, end up missing bits and having to endlessly rewind a minute or two. By the time the joke you’ve missed has come round again, you’ve got back into your work and have stopped listening properly again. So it goes on and you end up hearing the same bits over and over again. The whole thing ends up being a not entirely pleasant experience. The other problem is that at home you tend to have a television with, if you’re lucky, a DVD player. Why treat one sense when you can treat two? Give those eyes some bright colour and excitement as well as your lugholes.

So, as I was saying, the best time to listen to comedy is on the move, and as I don’t drive, public transport it is. So here I am on the train, listening to Harry Hill’s Hooves, a live show. I’m finding it funny so, inevitably, laugh. But then I lolled all over the place. A big fat LOL! I was a little embarrassed but fuck it, I like it when I hear people laughing on the train, whether it is apparently at nothing or not (If you check and there are no headphones attached to this person, perhaps it is a little strange) ANYWAY, when I lolled, a girl, I don’t know about my age, maybe a little older. Stared at me, got up from her seat and moved a little way down the carriage. How rude! Well I’m sorry if my merriment is ruining your journey! The worst thing is, she took the only table and spread her stuff about so as to make it clear there was to be no sharing; scarf on one seat, coat on another, bag on the other and bum on the last. Here I am scrunched up with my laptop. Of course she has moved now in her Women Against Laughter protest, but I reckon her strop aura is still there and don’t want to get involved in those vibes. Plus I can’t be arsed to move.

(If you like blogs about incidents on trains, why not check out Matthew Crosby’s blog? It is full of good ones.)

I’ve got a presentation on Tuesday. I’ve got to pitch a feature film idea. It’s going quite well, I’ve spent the weekend doing a photo shoot and on powerpoint. I rule. Not as much as my boyfriend though who took and ‘polished up’ the photos for me. Here’s the mock up poster for my film (It’s a dark comedy (very dark, think Wicker Man) about a vicar who hears the voice of Yahweh, the old testament God. He hears the voice and it tells him to sacrifice his congregation, one by one, as they sin.)

As a thank you I ordered him Belleville Rendezvouz on DVD, we caught it on, more4 I think it was. It’s a French animation which is dialogue free, save for the incidental back, it looks fantastic, my vole (did I say vole? I meant boyfriend) was hooting like a loon. I’m on the train now, obviously (still laughing along to Harry Hill) but when I get back I shall see if there is a clip on the you tube and if there is it shall appear here -

I’m on the second leg of the journey back to Bournemouth. It’s now almost 11pm. What a dirty stop out! But ooh get me, I’m in a first class carriage. And this time it’s not at the invitation of maybe-bad-man Chris Langham. I’m on a train which seems to think the only people who use laptops which might need plugging in are first class ticket holders. So I went to see the guard to see if they were doing the £5 upgrade they sometimes do at weekends. £5 for a carriage to myself is a small price to pay. This is a long journey and it’s a late train so most people are drunk. It turns out I don’t even need to pay it. The guard “can’t be bothered” to upgrade me. I commend such laziness.

Because of this luxury and solitude I am committing the biggest train sin. I am playing my music aloud. The lovely back catalogue of Lambchop. Mmmm nice. If I could smoke in here, this would be the perfect writing atmosphere. I always write more on the train than anywhere else.

This has given me a great idea. If I could afford to, I would travel around all day, with nothing but my laptop and handbag. I could go as far as I like, (flights and boats I will disallow, or it may turn into a glorified Gap Year) and take a couple of hours break in a different city every day. Spend the morning on the way to Manchester (for example) have lunch there, meet a friend, spend the afternoon travelling back. All the time I shall be writing, not being distracted by the internet or Mariokart, or a social life.

Maybe I’ll write a book about it. Maybe I will go all around the world. I’ll call it Me and My Laptop.

Maybe not.

You may have noticed that I still find ways to procrastinate. Apart from writing this blog, I have also played 2 games of Mahjong on my laptop. Still, I’ve done a considerable more amount of work than I normally do.

And this blog is a considerable amount longer. Apologies.

Here’s a COUNTDOWN CONUNDRUM for you ... I can’t remember what the last one was, oh yeh REALISTIC was the answer. Adam and Robin both got it right, but neither claimed their prize. So this blog we have a ROLLOVER! WOOOOOOOOOOO! Not only do you get to chose the topic or make me say whatever you like in the next blog, you also will get to chose from the following prizes –

1 – Choose what I have as my myspace picture for one week. You can either choose from my pictures already there, or you can choose any photo on the world wide interweb (or your collection). As long as it won’t get my account deleted, it’s your choice.

2 – I will photoshop your myspace picture in as amusing a way I can think of. Or design you a new one, something like that.

Want that amazing prize? Do you? DO YOU? Well you’ll have to earn it! Here’s the conundrum –

FLEASKINS

There you are.

We are now arriving at Woking, Woking is the next station.

Bye!

Sophie x

Date with the Gods Access 2000

2008-01-16T03:42:00.000Z

Blogfan Richard got the conundrum again! SOAPGENIE was the muddled version. ESPIONAGE is the unmuddled version.
Please someone else give it a go, Richard is obviously scraping the barrel with blog discussion topics.....
He wants me to do one asking how to get an Access 2000 database. I don't know what this is, but anyone with nuggets of wisdom, leave a comment for Richard to pick up.

Today's Conundrum - CLARITISE
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stephen Green explains - What is Islam?

He finished with this deal clincher -

Allah says, "Die for me." Jesus says, "I died for you." Who will you follow?

Allah, he sounds strong. This Jesus bloke sounds like an obsessed emo ex-boyfriend. BUT I DIED ON THE CROSS FOR YOU, PLEASE CALL....I LOVE YOU. Allah's like this sexy bloke who ties you up and spanks you. Yehh, I know who I'll follow. But still, I bet Jesus will follow me.... He reads this blog you know. He's written a song about how upset he is that I don't love him. Spank me, Allah, spank me.

I've got a headache. Bye.

Sophie x

The Langham Blog (with Daily Mail Fun!)

2008-01-15T23:13:00.000Z

This Blog will be in two parts. Part One, my reaction. Part Two, The Daily Mail and its readers' reactions.

(What a sicko, he even smokes where one shouldn't...)

Me

So I have wiped my tears and will now write about Chris Langham on Shrink Rap. Pamela Stephenson was more bearable in this than other episodes because she managed to shut up and listen and not assume too much. I remember in the one with Stephen Fry she seemed adamant to make Stephen Fry admit he found his buggery at boarding school traumatic, whereas he thought is wasn't that much of a big deal. Fair enough, I'm sure he's done it a lot since. I think he said he found it surprising, but not that traumatic. I can't be bothered to look up the quote, it was something along those lines. I think the reason in this one was that Chris Langham obviously really wanted to talk about it. So she didn't have to probe too much. She asked the questions that needed asking, and apart from that sat back and listened. So well done to her.
Some might argue that this was a big PR stunt, that Chris went on to get sympathy, to get people to stop saying he's a paedophile, but I think he's cleverer than that. Whatever he says, there will be people who will label him and not care what arguments he has, or whether he had a traumatic experience. He is a paedo and should be shot, end of. And I think he realises that. Sure, I think he wanted the chance for people to understand him better, but I think once the interview/session got going he forgot about the cameras and was honest and open.
He spoke about his alcohol and drug addiction which I wasn't really aware of. I'd heard he used to be an alcoholic but I didn't realise what he had been through. He spoke of one incident where his wife gave birth to a daughter who was strangled by the umbilical cord at birth. He left his wife in a ward full of happy new parents to go to his dealer. 'My baby has just died, I think you should give me a gram on credit'. He said the memory of this is enough to stop him ever going back to drugs and alcoholism.
He also talked of his abuse as a child, on a boating trip with a 'family friend' and how the main memory for him was the man's arms around him telling him he had done well. And this made him feel better, but also made him hate himself that he would go to such lengths for validation.
He also, of course, told Pamela Stephenson about the trial experience.

Man, I'm such a wuss, I'm finding this upsetting just to write, what right have I got to talk about this guy's life. Am I too weak? I should be picking holes in the interview, laughing at bits, that would be an entertaining blog, right? Well blah to that, this is what this blog is going to be like, the bitching will be in the second half, hell you can believe that.

In summary, I found the interview quite upsetting, but in a warming way. I felt happy for him to have the chance to get it out in the open, to talk so candidly, and strangely felt proud of him. How strong he must be. There was a moment, right at the end of the interview where he talked about a film, I forget the name of it, I hadn't heard of it before. But anyway, Pamela Stephenson asked if he had lied to her at any point in the interview. He said he hadn't, then talked about a moment in this film...... in this film there's a community of deceit, everyone's sleeping with everyone else behind each others' backs apart from this one lady. She knows her husband is cheating on her. She ends up eating alone in a restaurant one night and sees another guy from the community eating alone. They end up chatting together and leave the restaurant and walking together, as they live the same way. He said that as the audience, you're behind her, her husband is cheating on her, she is alone, she deserves a nice evening with a man. But when he gets to his home and invites her up, she declines and says "I know who I am."
Chris felt he didn't have to lie anymore because he knows who he is, when he was knee deep in drugs and alcoholism he didn't know who he was and lied all the time. Now he knows who he is, he can tell the truth and people can, essentially, like it or lump it.

I can't help but feel jealous of this. I hope I feel like that one day. Maybe you can only feel such clarity of self after having been through such shit. Am I missing out by having a supportive and loving family?

Aaaaanyway, in conclusion, feel sorry for what he's been through, think he's a stoopid oopid for doing what he did, but overall top bloke.

Read my blog from May 06 when it first started... (If only for the great pun title)

The Daily Mail

So it's too soon to find out what everyone thought of the show, I'm sure the red tops will be full of hilaaaaaaaaarious headlines tomorrow. Let's guess some....

PAEDO AND PROUD
PITY ME? I DON'T THINK SO!
LANGHAM DEFIANT IN DOWNLOADING KIDDY SUCK SUCK VIDEOS
LANGHAM LOVES THEM KIDZ

Well yes, anyway, I'm sure they will be twats. Unfair of me to assume this? Well I'm going on this , the Daily Mail's 'preview'. They go with headline - 'I've got nothing to be ashamed of,' says disgraced actor Chris Langham. Ok, he said it, do they back it up with the context.....let's check.....eeeerrrm, no.

They go on to say The comedian claimed during an interview recorded just days after he was released from prison that he had even been "courageous" when he viewed shocking images of child sex abuse. I don't remember him saying he was courageous in this moment, but if he did, I think it was in context of being forced to watch the videos in full which he had clicked on then stopped immediately, not being able to stand watching. Not exactly what they're implying really.

Why are such publications allowed? Probably because it is but NOTHING compared with what 'The common man' seems to think. They are simply feedinga hungry nation of pigheaded headline munching goons. It is the comments that really make for upsetting reading.

This pathetic runt of a man should not be allowed near our television screens. One minute he claims he is sorry and the next he is defiant. He is a sick pervert and deserves pity and contempt - not his own show!

- Margaret Jones, Worcester, UK

These perverts should have a "P" branded on their foreheads.

- Martin, Clacton,England

I know television has now plummeted to new depths when I see this repulsive character thrust into our faces.

- Tony Quinlan, Essex

Still scum.

- Simon Hughes, Coventry

'Done nothing to be ashamed of' - Oh yes he has - a warthog has more morals than this pond life.

- Olderbird, Northants

This is typical paedophile behaviour - he doesn't think he has done anything wrong.

- Liz, London

Sad, deluded little man.

- David Bourke, Rochester, England.

If Langham thinks he has nothing to be ashamed of he is clearly deluded. Keep this disgusting man off our screens - we don't want to hear his pathetic excuses.

- Sue G, Perth Scotland

We're not interested.

- Betty, Reading

He should not be allowed to return to the television screen.

- Mrs Barniss, Yorkshire

This piece of scum makes my blood boil.

- Sylvia, UK

I know what you're thinking, "So? Don't just sit on the sidelines and mock them, write something yourself!"

I did -

These comments make my blood boil.

I have a lot of sympathy for Chris Langham and am proud of him for being so open about his experience.

Did any of you actually watch the show, or let me guess, you wrote these comments on the basis of this article alone, which, I may say chooses its quotes very sneakily.

Disgusting. I look forward to the ridiculous headline on your newspaper tomorrow morning.

On posting, I got the following message -

Your comment will be reviewed shortly. Comments may be edited and not all will be published.

So, let's see if the Daily Mail only allows outrageous "Paedos must burn" arguments onto their site, or whether they'll let a wet liberal like me air my view. Check back the site here, I know I will be.

Please leave your opinion in a comment.

Sophie x

Problems

2008-01-15T21:43:00.000Z

Let's start with it this time.

Countdown Conundrum IVYSTRIDE - DIVERSITY

Today's - SOAPGENIE

No one got it. It could be because no one tried, or it could be because no one read my blog. But I shall have to assume that you are all stupid, everyone in the interworld but me, is STUPID and can't do a simple conundrum. Durrrr.

So since I'm the only one who got it, I get to chose what I write about. I choose Chris Langham on Shrink Rap, I shall be writing as I watch.

As I wait for it to come on, I shall just tell you about a strange encounter I just had. I went to the shop to get wine for my housemates and get myself some dissertation biscuits. But I heard a strange noise, I thought it was a cat, but as I got closer I realised it was someone crying. There was a lady sat outside her house, bawling her eyes out. There was no one with her, and she was obviously distraught so I had to stop. I asked her a very stupid question, "Are you alright?" She said yes. I offered to call someone, asked her if there was anything she needed. She needed a fag. Fair dos, she certainly did. I offered her a hug, which is a pretty strange thing to do these days, offer a stranger a hug. She accepted, and seemed glad to have a shoulder to cry on. She kissed me on the cheek and went inside, so I walked on my way.

It makes my problems of having not quite enough light in my 'working space' a little bit pathetic really. Still, I don't want to strain my eyes do I?

So, the adverts are on now, Chris Langham is about to be on Shrink Rap. I met Chris Langham on my way to my interview to Bournemouth University in Summer 2005. The Comedy Geek that I am, I had to go and say hello, that I was a fan etc. We ended up chatting all the way to London, and he helped me prepare for my interview. So I like him.

It's starting now...

Ooooh unflattering close ups and a V.O introduction, oh no he cries later on. I'm not gonna like this.

I don't know if I can blog about this now. It's too sad....

Watch it now, or on more 4 plus one if you missed it.

Sophie x

Emergency blog - Pat Sharp.

2008-01-15T01:48:00.000Z

I just have to share this....

Not only is it very funny, of course, but doesn't Pat Sharp look like Jerry Seinfeld, A LOT?!

It's true, right? Yeh.

Sophie x

Adam and Joe stole my Monday

2008-01-15T00:06:00.000Z

Last night I did very well in preparing for today. I did some more reading, arranged all my research into chapter piles and wrote a plan for the chapter I was going to write. Well done me.

That started at 8pm and finished at about 3am. Before that I spent the day thinking how dark it was in my room. I tried removing the light shade - it's one of those papery ones, so I thought* that removing it might brighten things up a bit. But WOE UPON ME, darker times were upon me** because not only did it not make a difference, but now, everywhere I looked, a little light bulb obscured my view. Little bright lightbulb in front of the computer screen, little bright light bulb in front of my books, little bright light bulb in front of my eyes everywhere. So I browse the internet and found a nice table lamp. Now I will be able to work. Once it arrives. Let there be light. (As I was on amazon, I might as well order a new alarm clock...I have a nice retro one, but it loses time so fast. I have to set my alarm for 5am for it to go off at 8.30ish. Depending what time I go to bed. I need to get rid of this retro unreliable tardy clock and get a new, shiny clock that tells the actual time. Of course I want one that plays the radio because who wants to wake to a beep? So of course I need to get a DAB digital radio one, because I like 6music. Now I have something worth living for. The arrival of my lamp and digital radio alarm clock. Woo. Loans coming in are good. I am less into my overdraft than I was before. (Wasn't this paragraph dull?)

So that was yesterday, and today I woke at approximately 8ish (I mis-timed my alarming, got up, had a bowl of cereal, checked my email, felt freezing cold, thought it was too dark, so got in bed with my essay plan and a pen, and fell asleep. I woke again at noontime and walked around the house for a bit. I put on the Adam and Joe 6music radio show using the listen again feature (I won't have to do this when I get my fancy new digital radio!!) I then got dressed and wrote 2 sentences over and over again (unlike with these blogs, I usually have trouble writing and rewrite and rewrite until there's nothing left). I wrote nothing on the chapter, tried to make myself feel better by reading a book for a while. There was nothing helpful in it, but it was very interesting (May I recommend Karen Armstrong's 'The History of God', it's very interesting) It's strange reading a book and listening to a radio show at the same time. My concentration is on the book while songs play, but on the radio while they chat the funnies, but sometimes the funnies and the God bit mix up in my head and I wish I could end this paragraph in a funny way by putting a funny and a god thought together, but I can't think of anything. Bye....

Then Dad*** comes in and tells me dinner is ready. We decide to watch a bit of my Adam and Joe DVD I got from a charity shop for a mere £2. Then it's Midnight. Now it's 1 and I've watched Seinfeld and Never Mind the Buzzcocks while half paying attention to this blog.

We watched the best of all 4 series, the making of Adam and Joe and enjoyed the menu screens about 2 more times than is healthy.

Watch lots on Adam Buxton's youtube site

Here's a favourite of mine (youtube exclusive from Adam Buxton that you've probably all seen, but why not enjoy it again?)

Countdown Conundrum - IVYSTRIDE

(Apologies to last blog's Countdown Conundrum winner, as you may have noticed I abandoned the blog for a while.... Do not let this stop you entering (oo-er) this time. You can make me write what you like. You could even suggest photoshopping challenges (I am rubbish, it would be funny))

Mark Lamarr thinks he is funnier than he is.

Bye.

Sophie x
-----------------------------
Footnotes

*Indeed here, I stopped writing for ages because I got distracted by F-U-R-E-N-D-S and the piss up in a brewery in series 2.
**Apologies for the repetition of upon me
***Typo

I lost my legwarmers...

2008-01-06T22:07:00.001Z

Okay, so I missed Saturday the 5th.... I didn't have access to a computer. Also now I am writing from my boyfriend's house and don't have my countdown calendar with me, so you shall have to do without a conundrum for today. (PLUS you missed yesterdays. I think perhaps a triple conundrum tomorrow. Oh blimey, there's a reason to tune in....!)

So, although we have a winner from the last blogs conundrum, I have only just informed them, so I have no instructions as yet. I'm free!

Yesterday I did the Monopoly pub crawl. The idea is that you go to a pub on every street on the monopoly board. I think it was 26 pubs, a drink in each.... I went with my friend Paul. We failed. I think some other people succeeded, but we got a little tired of rushing off every 5 minutes. Plus I got distracted by a ride in Leicester Sq. Woo fly high! I was so drunk at this point that my adrenaline forgot to kick in. As I wooshed past my friends I wooped and shouted that I loved them, but really I was really relaxed. I had been hot and sweaty and the cool night air rushing through my hair, and gazing across the view of London was really quite serene and lovely.

and I lost my legwarmers. A lady stole them. Well, I gave them to her and forgot to ask for them back.

I also composed this chat-up line for ladies to use on men.

Nice beard, wanna see mine?

Sure, it only works on men with beards. Why not try this variation for a clean-shaven chap...

You should grow a beard. Mine looks great...(Here you flash it)...see?

One of the pubs was The Comedy, which is just next to The Comedy Store. As we passed, Greg Davies (We are Klang's 'fat rik mayall') was stood outside as he was MCing that night. I said "The marvellous Greg Davies" and did a curtsey. I should have left it there. But instead I went on to say that i loved his belly (as there is a facebook group called I Love The Belly Of Greg Davies). I then rubbed his belly. He said a lot of people say that. I said yes, blame Marek. I said to say hi to Marek from me then ran off to catch up with my friends. Of course how could Greg Davies pass on my hello without knowing who I was. Oh dear.

So we went to Miranda's birthday party. I've met her only a couple of times, but I think it is safe to say she is lovely, so happy birthday to her. At this party I embarrassed myself a lot I imagine. I felt maudelin and we travelled off.

I saw everyone's favourite lecturer RB on the tube home.... (photos to follow....)

HA!

And now, today, I had brunch with friends, though really, I watched my friends have brunch. I was feeling a little hungover, not too bad, but they were laughing and talking and sharing stories of bands I have never heard off. I must keep up. I was the youngest one there but I felt old and out of touch. Must go to more gigs.

Now I am back in Kent, realising I go back to Bournemouth on Friday, and hair freshly cut.

Bye!

Which of your babies do you love most?

2008-01-04T16:16:00.000Z

ProBlogue
This took me ages. No really, AGES. Mostly just swapping back and forth the numbers, how can you order them?! It was hard enough getting it down to 10. Anyway...here’s what I’m on about...

Tex won Countdown Conundrum 2! Woooo!

Conundrum – GUNKFREEE
Answer – FENUGREEK (Yeh, I reckon he cheated)

He chose this as blog ‘topic’ (for ‘topic’ read ‘essay title’)

“The top ten best written TV shows of all time and why they were/are still popular and what made them great (use appropriate Harvard referencing*)”

So here is my blog in reply......

Hello everyone...

Well first of all Tex, I’m going to say that we should see popular and well-written shows as necessarily synonymous. So I’m drawn between two lists really; Top 10 most popular shows of all time, or the ten most well-written/best-written shows of all time.
This is a mammoth task Tex, you (lovely) bastard... Especially considering I don’t watch much television, apart from comedy. So I’m going to refine it a little more and do a list of top 10 comedy TV shows and what made them great, and why they are/were/aren’t/weren’t popular.

I’ll do it in reverse order to give it a late-night-channel4-oh-hurry-up-what’s-number-one feel to it!

Oh and please bear in mind that “of all time” in this essay will be taken to mean “of Sophie’s lifetime or that she has been recommended and so looked up”. I haven’t, for example, ever seen Hancock’s Half Hour, so wouldn’t know where to place it.

10 - Bang Bang! It’s Reeves and Mortimer! /Catterick
I had to put Vic and Bob in here. You may have noticed I’ve cheated a little by putting two shows. That is because I thought Bang Bang! was their best. I could do a whole blog on all each of these shows individually, so this is HARD! Maybe I should have had this as my dissertation title... :p
Yes, anyway! Bang bang saw V&B at their height, their character performances were fabulous alongside their Morecambe and Wise style ‘chatting’. Though Morecambe and Wise with slapstick. This is the main reason I put Vic and Bob in here. They brought slapstick back. You might argue that Bottom did, and it’s true, but for ME, Vic and Bob made it really funny and really original. Catterick is there as well because it’s written so smartly. There is still their ‘silly’humour, but there’s more to it than their previous stuff. If you haven’t seen it, SEE IT!

9 - Alan Partridge.
AHA! He started off as a character in On The Hour then showed up in The Day Today etc. He was great in these, but think lost it a little with Knowing Me, Knowing You. But he made up for this manymanyfold with I’m Alan Partridge. In both series, in the hotel and the caravanette, there are lines that will make you crease up that pepper a well woven catastrophe. It’s beautiful. Car crash sitcom at its best. Crash! Bang! Wallop! What a sitcom!

8 – The Office.
I seem to have placed The Office higher than Alan Partridge. Not sure why I did that really. I suppose it’s better is it? Oh I don’t know!!! Stop making me choooose. This is hell. Tex, I’m gonna get you!!

7 – Marion and Geoff.
Series 1 is a work of art. I seriously think it’s one of the best comedies ever. Hence it being in the list. Had the quality of the show stayed so high, this would probably have been number 2, or 3. Or even 1. The episodes in series 1 were 10 minutes long. On the DVD you can watch them all in one go. It’s like watching a film; the credits only play after the last episode. It is so beautifully crafted, and although I might be breaking a rule slightly because a lot of it is improvised, the story archs so gorgeously and so movingly over the series. I implore you to watch the series in one go, and not cry at the episode where he goes to Disneyland. You MUST see this. Series 2 is good, very good, but doesn’t have quite the same emotional attachment to its central character, Keith Barrett. The Keith Barrett you see in The Keith Barrett Show is quite another thing, and I think the less said about that the better. Also quick mention to Human Remains, Rob Brydon’s show with Julia Davies around the same time. And Babycow overall. What legends.

6 -League of Gentlemen
Well what to say. Wow. Each time I get to write here, I think , no THIS is my favourite. My favourite series of League of Gentlemen is definitely series 3. It’s like a huge portmanteau film. With dark comedy. It’s great, and ties together at the end....if slightly forced. They’re just fab. And Mark Gatiss should write more Doctor Who. But that’s by the by.

5 – Seinfeld.
Well hello there, it’s the first American comedy. I think this is probably the finest American TV Comedy ever...or is it...?.... It paved the way for copycat shows, including Friends. George Castanza and Kramer remain two of the best characters EVER. Racist or not. It is also the sole entry in the list for Larry David. Sorry curb fans, I thought it was too improvised and too much performance and celebrity to be in a best WRITTEN comedy list. I know, I know, Marion and Geoff, but leave it alone.

4 – Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Had to be there didn’t it! I’d say this is in here more for originality than writing finesse. Personally I much prefer their films. Nothing beats Life Of Brian.

3 - Peter Cook and Dudley Moore “Not Only...But Also”/Goodbye Again
Nothing beats the genius of Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. Unfortunately the very best stuff of theirs is on stage (you can get some on dvd) and on audio (Derek and Clive Get the Horn, and the Minor sketch are personal favourites). Still, there are some GREAT, really GREAT sketches on these shows, and maybe one day they will release the whole lot on dvd rather than another “best of” for those of us who weren’t there the first time around.

2 - The Day Today/ Brass Eye
Should I really have put these above Peter Cook and Dudley Moore? I think it’s fair to. As a television show I think it is superior. (Aside note: if you are a Cook and Morris fan you should definitely have heard Why Bother, and if not why not?!) Morris’ language choices are quite simply the finest ....ARRRGH he’s amazing!
So what’s at number one? Don’t peek! You did didn’t you? You cheater.

1 - The Simpsons
I put The Simpsons at number 1 of this list because it has 3 things that nothing else in the list has all 3 of. HUGE popularity, FANTASTIC writing and LONGEVITY. (Last of the Summer Wine had longevity remember...) There’s nothing I can say about The Simpsons that everyone doesn’t know already so I shall just pray my favourite clip is on youtube......
No it’s not. But here’s a selection of good’uns.

The one I was looking for was
Marge[to Homer in bed] – “Kids can be so cruel”
Bart[overhearing] – “We can? Thanks Mom!”

In conclusion –

What I have written is pretty much a mutant child of your original question but hey, I had fun. So much for saying why they are/were/aren’t/weren’t popular. I think I may have mentioned it a little, but mostly it was me raving about my favourite shows.

Hey ho!

DICTIONARY CORNER

pisheog or pishogue (Irish) n sorcery; superstitious nonsense. [Ir piseog]

aaaaaand

COUNTDOWN CONUNDRUM 3

BATAPELLA

(I got this one pretty quickly....)

Again YOU can choose my blogging subject! You could give me your dissertation title perhaps? Then get done for plagiarism and I’ll win.

So yes, comment away with conundrum answers and argue with me about my list! I look forward to it.

Byee! I’m tired I should have gone to bed last night.....

Sophie x

*I added this. I’m so cheeky. You know I’m grateful really!

Ur mums very poor

2008-01-03T17:24:00.000Z

This is Richard. He got the Countdown Conundrum correct. Well done him!

Conundrum 1 - RUSKATTIC
Answer - TRACKSUIT

Richard would like me to talk about why a lot of TV Comedy isn't very funny.

He makes a good point - "I've not actually seen "Little Miss Jocelyn" (it might be quite good) but if they can't even make the trailers for it funny what hope is there for the actual programme?"

Now I've not seen Little Miss Jocelyn either, apart from the small bit she did on Saturday Live which I talked about here, so I thought I would do my research. It was solely youtube based research to be honest. But the only conclusion I can come to is that, yes, it is pretty rubbish. There are a few smart lines, but mostly it's full of crude stereotypes played by someone who can get away with it because they are of the race that is stereotyped. This can be funny if done well, as with Goodness Gracious Me, and other examples that don't spring to mind, but in my opinion Miss J paints with a brush so broad that you think it's shit.

I shall come back to Little Miss Jocelyn in a moment...

I think it would be wrong to say there is nothing funny on television anymore, it just seems the ones that 'the masses' love are rubbish. This perhaps means that we are outcasts of society for not rolling about with laughter at Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Shit. Were we proper british people we would love it. And we would love tittybangbang. I interviewed Stewart Lee a while back and he spoke to me about Al Murray. He's a popular guy, and sells out etc etc, but the people in his audience are not necessarily who he wanted there. Here's an excerpt from the interview, I hope he doesn't mind....

"There’s an ongoing problem... every 15 or 20 years, there’s a new comedy character that espouses reactionary views in order to satirise reactionary views. In the 60s it was Alf Garnet, and today it’s Al Murray and that great, except it’s not much fun to be in their audience anymore because it’s full of BNP members. The problem is it’s such a good act, that horrible scum really like it!"

Basically, what I think I'm trying to say is that we can't blame the TV peoples for the shit they put out. It's the scum who watch it and buy the dolls and go around pointing at their faces saying they ain't bovvered that need sorting out. There is some fantastic comedy about, you just need to look a little harder.

Someone who is hilariously funny and critiques the shitty TV much, much better than me is Charlie Brooker. So catch up with all the Screenwipe episodes, including the recent Christmas special on youtube here.

But yes, there is shit. Like Titty bangbang. I've watched quite a lot of this, a friend of mine worked as a runner for the latest series and was an extra in a few scenes so we started watching it to try and see him. However, he couldn't stand it. So we never saw him. The show is directed by Bob Mortimer, but in the credits he is 'Robert Mortimer'. I guess he doesn't want the Bob Mortimer brand marred by such shite.
I have to admit, I laugh at the woman playing Tom Cruise. But Duck and Chips is so bad, it cancels out any previous laugh.

So back to Miss Jocelyn. Here's a clip.

On youtube, people can rate comments with a thumbs up or down. If a comment has a certain amount of thumbs downs, it is 'hidden' and you have to select it to read the comment. This seems fair enough when it is racist comments, but one comment that was hidden was just saying they thought the show was rubbish.
What sort of society is it where someone can't comment on a Little Miss Jocelyn clip and say it's rubbish?

Here is a mini comment race row. I will put in italics any bits that made me laugh, I will put in bold any bits that make me angry, and bold and italic for angry and laughing.

ellisking (2 months ago)

This is awful. The only thing that made me laugh was the fact that this made it onto tv. But I suppose digital tv will show any rubbish nowadays.
How can a network that produced the office and Fawlty Towers also produce catastrophic nonsense like this? Political correctness perhaps.

rht198 (7 months ago) Show Hide
There really are NO funny black people on TV. This is very VERY poor.
Why can't she speak proper english??

vejaji2 (7 months ago) Show Hide

u can fuk ur self and ur mum and ur dad she speak messed english on purpose u batti hole

rht198 (7 months ago) Show Hide

Why "she speak messed English on purpose" ??? Why would she? Is she simply replicating the failed grasp of the English language that the majority of blacks have in Britain???

vejaji2 (7 months ago) Show Hide

suck your mum she does it to entertain us and the majoraty of blacks aint retards like u might aswell join bnp and have sex partys with them so suck your mum who is bnp

Lyndanwike (6 months ago) Show Hide

God, you're such an idiot, your idiocy has got me laughing. Well, DUH! Hence the theme of the show. Hmm, well you see take any ethnic group fresh from another country and I doubt they'll be speaking the queens english. Asians, French, eastern Europeans.
Get with it!
You're such a loser

G00N3R4LYF (5 months ago) Show Hide

dont h8 us black ppl are much JOKES

namakula18 (6 months ago) Show Hide

ooh palez same me the drama people who speak other languages other then english usually have an accent doe not mean they cannot speak english. its the same with french men , when some speak english they have an accent. GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT BEFORE YOU GENERALIZE PEOPLE( EXPECIALLY BLACK PEOPLE)AND SHOT OFF YOUR MOUTH.

pyohaha (6 months ago) Show Hide

Well I suppose Lenny Henry, Gina Yashere, Eddie Murphy, The Wayans Family (Just to name a few) are just chopped liver, are they?
She's playing on a stereotype, which people like you assume of the people she portrays in her show. Get a life.

rht198 (5 months ago) Show Hide

Sorry, you're right. Lenny Henry is REALLY funny. All those funny faces he pulls are too much for me sometimes

G00N3R4LYF (5 months ago) Show Hide

Ur mums very poor

I guess rht198 has a point with the Lenny Henry thing.

Anyway, I've been talking far too much. Still need to squeeze in....

DICTIONARY CORNER
meacock (Shakesp) adj timorous, effeminate, cowardly.

AND

COUNTDOWN CONUNDRUM 2
GUNKFREEE

G'bye!

Oh, I guess the prize will be the same for now, but I'm open to negotiations!

Sophie x

Shall I blog every day?

2008-01-02T22:27:00.000Z

So this is the third blog I'm writing in as many days. Aren't you luck punters?

"Don't you want to throw away your mouldy sponge?"
"No, I like it"
"You like to put black mould in your foofoo?"
"Yeh"
"Okay"

That conversation interrupted my writing this blog so I thought I might share it with you.

Anyway, yes. My friend has started a blog to help him stop writers' block and he intends to write in it everyday. I'm going to attempt this too (I'm such a copycat) So watch out. This is going to get pretty dull. Especially considering I do nothing interesting.

Take today for example. I woke at 7 to wake up my boyfriend, then went back to sleep. You may infer from the previous blog entry that I was a bit weary today. So I milled about a lot. Mainly the day consisted of procrastination and anxiety. So I'm a bit frazzled now. As if I'd done loads of work. But I haven't.

Knock knock joke splicing
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
No need to cry about it.

(That might have been half someone else's idea but he stole a joke from me and never credited me, so I'm going to do that as well. HA)

I'm seriously racking my brains for something to write ooh, Emma and Swpnil just added me to a conversation on msn. That's how exciting my life is. Everyone's panicking about the minor project. Well I am anyway.

We have to pitch a feature film idea as if we were doing it professionally. I'm happy with the idea I've got, but I hate pitching. Come on, it's not as if it's anything I'm ever going to have to do... they spent the first 2 years telling us we'll never be able to write a feature - so why know how to pitch one?

Still I think the idea is that it's fun. I guess I can make a press pack and make it look like a bible and stuff....(my film is about a vicar who hears the voice of God telling him to sacrifice his congregation, a thriller/dark comedy)

How realistic is the pitch going to be though? If I offer to fellate my markers if they like my film, will I be marked fairly, which of course would be highly. As that's what everyone actually does. Always. Honest.

I've just been shown a blog from someone who used to do my course. Apparently he won the Plater Prize. Read his blog here. Unfortunately I took one look and threw up.

I like a boring, honest blog like mine!

COUNTDOWN CONUNDRUM #1
I got a Countdown conundrum calendar. You get a conundrum everyday.
Here's today's -
RUSKATTIC

First person to get the answer right (put it in the comments) can dictate a subject for me to blog about. Sounds boring huh? It's not. It's your chance to show my ignorance, embarrass me, or find the answer to something you can't be bothered to google yourself.
This will be a regular feature (ergh) of my blog, but the prize will probably change.

I'm also going to bring back dictionary corner. A word a day. I will pick up the dictionary and find a word I didn't know, or really love, and I'll put it up here.

DICTIONARY CORNER
holus-bolus adv all at once; altogether. [Sham L; perh from Eng whole bolus or Gr holos and bolos lump, bolos]

So let us all shout holus-bolus - "SHUT UP SOPHIE, YOU'RE BORING!"

Okay, bye.

Sophie x

Me with wine love in my eyes.....

Drunk blogging

2008-01-02T00:14:00.000Z

So I've never blogged when drunk before, though it may seem like it. I've just always been down with the stream of consciousness style, alright. Now get over it.

Big ups - Paul G and Sloop John B

So yes, I am inebriated. It's the only way to survive New Year's Day with my father. Oh he's lovely, but can you believe by 9.30pm I was actually interested in his holiday snap (which are always photos of greek island landscapes badly taken) and was so drunk I was incessantly hugging him.

ermmmmmmm. Oh my I've run out of wine. No worry, no worry we shall carry on. I don't know what to write about. I know, I'll do the old trick of asking msn friends for inspiration words....

Grace - as always, first reply, goes for stretchy.
Tim - is confused. But decides on elegance.
Mayo says - gratuitious, but I think he means gratuitous...
Tex says pinata. (SHOUT OUT TO THE TEX MASSIVE :P)
Paul K says discombobulate. Smart arse.
Okse says fortune.
Paul G says a load of bollocks amongst which is wankers cramp

Right - I have got my work cut out. Use this words in a way to sum up 2007.

STRETCHY
What has been stretchy in 2007 or my life recently? First thing that springs to mind is account balance, but that makes no sense. Well I guess it's simply trousers. After Christmas binging. In 2007 overall? I suppose it is boundaries.....keep 'em fluid...

ELEGANCE
I'm not sure I have ever been elegant. I hope so, but fear not so. At the moment nothing is more elegant to me than the way wine looks in a wine glass. I suppose the most elegant thing I did all 2007 was my script. I'm pretty proud of it. In reality the most elegant I have been are the times I choose to pardon myself after belching. Oh dear.

GRATUITOUS
Don't even go there Hellman's boy.
Okay, what has been gratuitous in 07? Edinburgh. It was filthy. And so gratuitous. If you are gratuitous to the point of no return, are you grateful? I was.

PINATA
I have two pinata memories of 2007. The first is at Dana's birthday party, which was fun fun fun. The second I shall go into more. It is the tale of the VC, vicious cunt, vice chancellor, wha'ever. He has been the bane of my term. My mother came to the choir concert and i was so angry he was there with his little rat face I hatched a plan. I convinced my mother it would be hilarious to flirt with him then swiftly reject and insult him. Mother agreed this would be fun but then asked which was he. When I pointed him out she said "i'm not going to flirt with him, he looks like he has leukemia"
I love my mother.
Oh and the reason this is a pinata memory is because at the Su but mainly Animation protest, they had a pinata with paul curran's face on that they beat with a stick. It's time's like this I wish I believed in voodoo.

DISCOMBOBULATE
What have I discombobulated in 07? Myself a few times of coutrse. Everyone I talk to? You right now? I hope so. Thanks peekay, I had to google that to check the meaning. In my drunkenness it seemed a quote from the Dr Johnson blackadder.

FORTUNE
I hope this is a prediction. I'm fucking broke.

WANKER'S CRAMP
It could be wankers' cramp, i'm not sure. Pauly chose not to apostrophosise. Yes I invented that.
Okay....... thanks for this. Erm.....

Time for goodbye.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sophie xxxxxxxxx

Nurge P'Turkin - O'Bitchery

2007-12-31T15:10:00.000Z

Last year it was James Brown, this year it was Nurge P'Turkin. He bought us much joy, love and laughter. But he snuffed it. And I think we're all secretly glad, like when Bernard Manning did. Not that he was racist or fat, but he was on the verge of both. One more blackberry pie and it would be pearl harbour jokes all over the place. And just because it's cold.

So let's all cheer, loud and clear for Nurge P'Turkin. There'll be a Nurge shaped hole in our hearts in 2008.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So it's the last day of the year. Let's celebrate that. Woo. Good, that's over. I have to admit, I hate New Year. I hate New Year's Eve, I hate New Year's Day and I hate....nah, it's just those two. Sorry ye olde rhythm of three*. Oh actually I hate that at the beginning of the New Year it takes everyone a while to get used to saying 2008, Oh HAHA I put 2007, how silly of me, HAHA, what a numpty, I'm a year behind, HAHA, I must get with it, HAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAA<

The only thing I like about the new year is that you can buy a new diary. Lovely. I love stationery. Phwoar.

So let's have a little retrospective of my Christmas....

Wow I enjoyed that. Didn't you come with me? Ok, well basically the ghost of Christmas just gone/still going (he can't decide if he's past or present) showed me what happened and I said "yeh I remember that". I wasn't moved to the point of wanting to change my outlook as I haven't really given time for hindsight to grow. It's a mere bud of hindsight... maybe this metaphor only works in my head. More importantly it's not a metpahor. What is a meta for? Shut up.

Yes, so Christmas morning I awoke and found that I had failed to give birth. Only I, only Sophie (me) would have been blessed with the new Messiah in her ovaries and yet have the rudeness to miscarriage him all over the bed.

This didn't really happen, I dreamt it. I think that says a lot about me.

I didn't really dream it, I just made it up. I think that says a lot about me.

I wish I hadn't said any of that, it's disgusting. I'll leave it though. ...says a lot about me etc etc...

So what really happened?
Well I won't go into details, I'll give a few awards. Best Christmas spirit goes to my nephew who was so very very full of joy and so flippant of material goods that he opened every present with glee, disregarded it, then spent the whole day playing with a huge cardboard box.
Most "is this really happening?" part of the day is awarded to when I got home after lunch at the in-laws to find my family sat round watching a video of my Grandma, Mum and Aunties walking around wales. It was hours long.
And most ardently "We're going to have a good time" award I will give to myself after forcing my family to play trivial pursuit, not let them cheat to end quickly, so the game finally finished in the early hours of the morning.

Oh yes! Doctor Who! So was it good? It was okay. DT was gorgeous of course. Kylie, who I usually like, was annoying and we were all glad she died. Also I was quite disappointed, the Doctor wouldn't have fallen in love so quickly, Kylie or no Kylie.
And was it offensive, did Christian Voice have a point? Well kinda, but I loved it all the more for it. The fact that 'The Host' were the enemy was nothing, but the bit where they raise him up and he flies through metal and is unscathed was a little 'grit yer teeth and hope Stephen Green didn't actually watch it and just made an assumption from the fact the villains had halos which were turned into frisbee-like weapons (very much like in Eddie Izzards Popeman and Altar Boy - "Let's get them Altar Boy, with Holy Water and Jesus Discs!")

If you missed it, I believe it's being repeated on 1st Jan 2007. OH HAHAHA I MEANT 2008!!!

Am I going to try and give up smoking this year? I don't know. I've had one request, but that's not enough for me.

So, big love,

Sophie x

*Parallelism for you language fans.

Is there a Christ in Christmas? (Yes...it's there...the first 6 letters...duh)

2007-12-21T17:29:00.000Z

As a girl who was brought up Christian but one day realised that liking choral music doesn't necessarily mean God exists and is now an atheist, I find Christmas a time to check I still don't believe.
That warm feeling as Christmas comes - is it a love for God? Is it comfort in the faith that the lord jeebus came down to earth and healed people from stuff and taught us how to live?
No - I think it's a time to remember your loved ones, to be thankful for all the great things about your life, to be grateful. And to watch the Muppets.

Spare a moment to get in the Christmas spirit with me...

No moment of a film has made the real meaning of Christmas so clear to me. There is hardly a mention of Jesus or the Christmas Story in the whole film...as far as I can remember. Yet It's a Wonderful Life is voted #1 Christmas film in polls again and again. It shows that Christmas is a time to remember your family and friends, and loved ones and all that stuff. Therefore, I am right.

So when people say "Oi, Christmas is about Jeebus, stop that Coca Cola advert rubbish, stop the presents, stop father christmas and stop sinning" etc etc, say to them ....I dunno, some wise retort. Something along the lines of "pah, Jesus was a gay anyway"

I jest of course, I find the Christian Christmas warming too. But it's not my Christmas. My Christmas is different. And I love it.

When I did go to Church at Christmas (at All Saints Staplehurst), we had a lovely vicar named Brian. (He was so great, we used to watch The Life of Brain at youth group.) In Christmas sermons, he would hardly mention the Christmas story but concentrate on making it an enjoyable sermon for everyone. He would make 'dad jokes' and get the the kids to compete about who got up earliest.

The last time I went to a Christmas service at this Church was a revisit to Midnight Mass about 5 years ago, maybe less. Brian had gone and was replaced by Jill (A WOMAN?! AND HER SON WAS GAY!? JEEZ, SOMEONE'S GONNA BURN!) Her sermon after joyous carol singing to a packed out Church was about burning in hell if we sinned. Lovely. God bless us, every one.

Let's keep Christmas how it should be - loving and yes, cheesy. And full of Christmas cheer. Let us SHUN Christian Voice buffoon Stephen Green for complaining about Doctor Who (info here) and let us raise our voices and shout in unison "We are atheists and we love Christmas!"

Scrooge hated Christmas at the beginning of A Christmas Carol yet he still had a good point -

"Nephew!...Keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine"

So in conclusion, keep Christmas as you like it. This is how I like it, but I'm not going to complain if someone likes it a different way. And I will be watching Doctor Who.

Now come and stand under the mistletoe with me.
Christmas smooches,

Sophie x

I'll leave you with this -

“The good part of Christmas is not always Christian--it is generally Pagan; that is to say, human, natural.

Christianity did not come with tidings of great joy, but with a message of eternal grief. It came with the threat of everlasting torture on its lips. It meant war on earth and perdition hereafter.

It taught some good things--the beauty of love and kindness in man. But as a torch-bearer, as a bringer of joy, it has been a failure. It has given infinite consequences to the acts of finite beings, crushing the soul with a responsibility too great for mortals to bear. It has filled the future with fear and flame, and made God the keeper of an eternal penitentiary, destined to be the home of nearly all the sons of men. Not satisfied with that, it has deprived God of the pardoning power.

And yet it may have done some good by borrowing from the Pagan world the old festival called Christmas.

Long before Christ was born the Sun-God triumphed over the powers of Darkness. About the time that we call Christmas the days begin perceptibly to lengthen. Our barbarian ancestors were worshippers of the sun, and they celebrated his victory over the hosts of night. Such a festival was natural and beautiful. The most natural of all religions is the worship of the sun. Christianity adopted this festival. It borrowed from the Pagans the best it has.

I believe in Christmas and in every day that has been set apart for joy. We in America have too much work and not enough play. We are too much like the English.

I think it was Heinrich Heine who said that he thought a blaspheming Frenchman was a more pleasant object to God than a praying Englishman. We take our joys too sadly. I am in favor of all the good days--the more the better.

Christmas is a good day to forgive and forget--a good day to throw away prejudices and hatreds--a good day to fill your heart and your house, and the hearts and houses of others, with sunshine.”

-- "The Great Agnostic" Robert G. Ingersoll (1833-1899), "A Christmas Sermon," Evening Telegram, Dec. 19, 1891

HOW TO LIVE by Simon Munnery

2007-12-07T20:16:00.000Z

I highly recommend that everyone go out and buy this book. It's full of witty one liners that make you think, make you laugh and makes you want to kiss/kill everyone.
It's available HERE for a mere £5.

What a perfect stocking filler!

Here are some of my favourite lines.

Rules for conversing
with a potential
suicide bomber
1. Be polite, but firm.
2. Resist the temptation to discuss
your own problems

A million monkeys
were given a million typewriters.
It's called the internet.

If you only ever read
one book in your life...
...I highly recommend you
keep your mouth shut

SEX.
If you want it badly
that's how you're
going to get it

Whatever it says in the Bible
the truth remains
You can read the Bible and dismiss
it as nonsense if you like;
you can dismiss it as nonsense without
reading it to save time if you prefer

My dog has no legs.
Yet still he chews bones.
How does a dig with no legs chew bones?
With a great deal of suspicion
I've noticed.

The electric guitar
- like making love -
is much improved by a little feedback,
completely ruined by too much.

Men lie.
Women wear
perfume and makeup
And lie.

Have you anything to say?
No? Then shut up.
Unless you are a woman
in which case carry on
- it's delightful.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Even though I don't work for The Fix right now, check out this great comedy night. Simon Munnery's on the bill, with many others!

Love you all!

Sophie x

Saturday Live Again...and surrounding adverts.

2007-12-01T23:42:00.000Z

Hello and welcome. My name is Sophie and I am here to take you by the hand and tell you how you should have responded to Saturday Live Again, the reincarnation of Saturday Live or Saturday Night Live if you have trouble telling the time of day. (Added bonus of the adverts that happened to come on in between. You don't win them though. I'm not Ant and/or Dec. Whatever they say.)

iphone. you'll be surprised by some of the things you see on youtube. saddam hussein being hung.....on your phone.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's that show that you weren't quite born in time for, but still somehow affected your upbringing. (Just me then.) SATURDAY LIVE! Please welcome your host, the handsome my-boyfriend-lookalike, MMMMMMMMAARCUS BRIGSTOCK!
Wooo yeh! Hoooray!
What's with the set? Is it a jungle jim? Hmm. Fair enough.
Brigstock kicks off with some classic CDs lost in the post material and all is going well. But we need some music to kick off the evening. Something that really speaks of today. Something that says 'now'.
Bon Jovi.
Then a wee set from Lee Mack. Lovely, fine. All good so far. Apart from Bon Jovi perhaps.

First advert break and we are treated to the Thornton's advert where things jig back and forth as time is standing still as a little boy decides what to have written in icing on chocolate. Quite a nice little advert. But when you see it look at the kid. He has a yellow rollneck on and brown ankle swingers on. And a teddy boy's hairstyle. I'd prefer to steer clear from such an obvious comment but he really did look like a child dressed as a paedophile. Perhaps it was for fancy dress. Or perhaps he is a paedophile. I was a paedophile as a child, but I grew out of it.

Oh good, Saturday Live is back on. Oh Mitchell and Webb are doing a student play. Oh no, it's a sketch. Someone should have told them they have microphones. They're usually great performance but weak writers. This sketch they managed to go for the double bill of a bad performance too. Shame.

Next up is that Pete Firman chap soon to be coming toThe Comedy Bar which was fun. Though my housemate almost vomited. Always a good way to start a Saturday Night.

Next up in the weak second section is Jeremy Lion. I don't know what his act really IS, but this time round he was drinking what I assume wasn't actually alcohol....anyway, one glass for each verse of the 12 days of Christmas and as it continues he gets more and more 'drunk' and gets the words wrong. HAHAHAHA.....
Isn't someone drunk really funny?
Well kind of.
Isn't someone pretending to be drunk really funny?
Nah.
What if they sang funny alternative lyrics?
Sure.
Lyrics that aren't funny?
Nah.
Did it just make you feel sick?
Yeh a bit.

Brigstock relieves you from this section of non-laughter with a nice little 'don't go away' line -
"Frankly if you watch anyfink else you is well lame, and your mum is a tramp."

AD BREAK!
Very best power ballads. I'm going to buy it for my Dad for christmas. He won't want it. But that's why they're advertising it right? They know best.

Mistletoe kisses from Galaxy? Can someone help me out with this one? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't mistletoe poisonous? Mmmmmm. Yummy.

BACK TO THE SHOW!

Jo Caulfield. She's great but I wish she would stray away from the Women/Husbands/Periods material. women women women women women blah blah.

We Are Klang had me and my housemate laughing so hard that Paddy came running down the stairs to see who was on after stropping off when Mitchell and Webb came on.
They were so good. Go and see them. And join the facebook group "I love the belly of Greg Davies"

OK no one can beat them so we'd better have some music next...
Hard-Fi. Television, new religion, hallelujah. Shut up.

Little Miss Jostling her way onto TV. ARRRRRRGH. We're still giggling from We Are Klang, but that soon stops. That's all I have to say about this because I went out for a cigarette. Smoking isn't all bad.

Next up is The Human Slinky.... Put this guy on at 2am on repeat. It's nice. I wanted a go. Maybe he's on youtube....
Here you go

Not sure why he was on the show, but hey. People like bright colours.

And now what everyone has been waiting for. BEN ELTON. I saw him twice in Edinburgh. The first time, I thought, ooh Ben Elton, then hated myself for being impressed. I promised myself I would shout SPLITTTAAAAH if I saw him again. I did see him again. I didn't shout splitter.

Here is his set (cut down a little)....

EVERYTHING IS TOO BIG! mars bars like donkey's dicks. HAHAHA. SWEETS ARE TOO BIG! (IT'S SO TRUE!!!! HAHAHAHAHA. )
Starbucks. Coffee in pints... hHAHAHA It's tooo BIG! Buckets of coffee! - ~It's too big!
Kids will drown in their fanta. (HHHAAHA)
Papers. too many sections. too big! HAHA. you can't read it in a day. HAHA arsehole section. HAHAHAHA.
DVDs are too big.... you can't buy just the movie. bonus scenes... too crap for the movie. EVERYTHING IS TOO BIG!
EVERYTHING'S got too big. Plasma's too big.
Tits have got too big. What do they look like - Circus freaks. (HAHA YEH THEY DO! THEY ARE NOT AN ANIMALS LOL)
Lips. Everythings got too big
4 wheel drives. too big.
Ben Elton's head...too big.
paycheque too big.

I wish that was how he ended it. Unfortunately those last two lines are fictional (the rest isn't I swear!)
He chose to end it by quoting Newton's 3rd law of mechanics. For every action there is an equal and an opposite reaction. The ice caps and the rainforests are shrinking.

Because of King Size Mars Bars? Who knew.....

Jimmy Carr was his usual self. Which is good. Perfect for this show really.

LET'S GET THE JOVI BACK! With a classic It's My Life. You know the one that starts BOW WOW!
If you didn't see how they achieve that sound effect, basically they hae a tube eminating from the guitarists stomach and a small moster that lives there belches into the tube, it travels up and into the microphone. Simply amazing.

Roll credits.

What did you think?

Wise words

2007-12-01T01:54:00.000Z

I was perusing "Teach Yourself Philosophy" by Mel Thompson. Such wise words. Such beauty. Taste this one for starters....

"Philosophy of religion would be quite impossible without religion."

Put that in your philosophical pipe and get high on the heady truths that seep out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also I received an email today. From a guy called Guy.

Hi Guys I'm Guy and I need a Bi Guy for my fly-by film "Guy the bi buys a guy". It's well fly, aye. I will try - if not i'll cry - to buy a bi, but that's by the by. I won't lie I am Bi and my name is Guy, aye. In the end we die because my-oh-my the end is nigh. Why? The guy in the sky is sly, aye. I breathe a sigh as I go to Rye, they're oh so wry in Rye, or at least they try. The wall is high, but I peek, I pry to defy the sky. So if you're Thai, or wear a tie and your name is Guy or you're a Guy and you want to die because you bi, give us a try. Bye

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quem Pastores Wet 'n' Wild

2007-10-02T01:24:00.000Z

What to do? I went to have a relaxing bedtime bath, but it ended up invigorating me. Maybe I should have done this at the beginning of the day, rather than waking up late, going to the post office to pick up a parcel I missed, then lolloping about feeling lethargic. I know. WWI?!?! ('what was it' to the gamers, 'world war 1' to the historians*) The parcel? Well it was a "roll around rat ball" for my new sticky eyed pet, Baby Jane. You know, like a hamster ball, but bigger. I thought she'd love it, after all it cost more money than I should have spent. But instead she sees it as a toilet. Fine. But she has conjunctivitis. Everybody now, aaaaaaaaahhhh. No, less like screaming. Arrrrhhhhh. No, less like a pirate....ah, forget it.

Also today I spent a lot of time downloading Christmas music. It's a comfort thing. I'm dreading a year of hard work, I'm away from my family and boyfriend. So Christmas Carols and the soundtracks to Muppets Christmas Carol, Dr Seuss' Grinch and more cheese besides are my love. It's all I need. I don't need sympathy. Especially from you weirders who don't even know how to 'ahh' properly. I'd probably end up accused of rape. Again (Lol...)

Erm.... I might get fired from one job tomorrow. Hooray! So I've got a back up. I'm back on the AQA bandwagon. Any Question Answered, it's fab. www.63336.com. I answer questions for them. It's nice. And...

(All this time I was wondering where my phone was, and there it was under my derrier**)

...Erm....so I'm back on the Freelance Researcher fun train. Nice. Might actually get paid. Oh it's HILARIOUS, I have no money. Send Cheques and postal orders NOW. Most amusing amount of money wins an AS NEW Roll-a-round Rat ball!! (Now with new exciting odours!)

Oh, also exciting, I have a new stalker. Though he hasn't written about me recently, and I've been checking his blog EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY! Jeez...... Some people don't have the loyalty.

Speaking of which, you guys ain't commenting. Sure I'm a flaccid blogger. It happens sometimes, you forget you have a blog, you realise that when you're busy or doing something interesting you don't want to write your blog. So you don't. So drop a comment at the bottom. Maybe argue over who likes me most. Or who you think my new stalker might be (it is a myspace friend of mine, so that narrows it down to 180)

Oh anyway, I was talking about downloading Christmas music, which is what the title of this blog is about. Some of you may be familiar with a Carol called Quem Pastores Laudavere... No? Well you'd know the tune if I hummed it. Hmmmmm hm hmmmmm hm hm hm hm hmmmm hm, hm hm hm hm hm hm hmmmmmmmmmm hm hmmmmmmm hm*** Yeh that's the one. Well I was searching for this, and as always I got the porn virus fake files option. "Quem Pastores Wet 'n' Wild" - Obviously I'm being kind on the correct elision of and to 'n', but you don't want to slander the poor people who are just trying to make a buck by mending computers that they have put viruses on....CONSPIRACY!?

***STOP PRESS!!!GREAT NEWS!!!****
Bournemouth University ("BU" is going to become academic rather than vocational. Oh good, so rather than sticking to our strengths, we're going to be a tiny rotton fish in a big old posh pond, with polytechnic scales still stuck to us, and noone but drunks choosing to fish us out... It's not like there are lots of successful academic fish who can swim strongly in their pond, that people really want to go to, or that in the pool of vocational courses, Bournemouth is one of the strongest vocational fish, oh no, we'd rather be wimpy and try and swim with the academic salmon as they burst upstream, and we just can't even remain stationary against the current. We're going backwards. And we've got redundant eggs. 50 redundant eggs that showed such potential. Is it unprofessional and perhaps dangerous to say the VC is a bit of a cunt? Well maybe I mean the Victoria Cross, so FU BU VC!*

Rant over.
A picture to cheer us up again:

Ah Guardian, you do so well to cheer us up on a dull day. I took this photo while on the train and laughing alot, so apologies if it's a bit blurred.
Good day.

Sophie x

*Paul made this joke, but it was in a shared moment, so if it wasn't for me it wouldn't exist. Anyway, I'm not plagiarising because I'm referencing. (Bandism, P. 2006: 2) See. So fuck you.
**ARSE
***If you do actually know this you should be impressed. Are you?
**** I think this is the best thing ever. I wonder if I can submit it as a dissertation? Or maybe I should do my final feature on a VC who's after the glory, but fucks up. I could mean Vain Choirboy.

What I done this Summer. (Edinburgh mostly) - Part One!!!

2007-09-03T16:42:00.000Z

This is going to be a very back and forth blog - I'm basically going to dig deep into the dark damp pit of Edinburgh 2007 memories in my brain memory device. I could plan it out and have it all beautifully chronological but that would take too much time and would ruin the 'stream of consciousness'/'freewriting' style i strive so ardently to imitate.

I'll start off with the basics. I was working for The Fix comedy magazine as my University Placement/Slave Trade. My relationship with the Editor peaked with me having a tearful breakdown, and wearing a home-made paper hat that simply read (not the band), erm yes, the hat thing said "Fuck off *****" The stars do not denote more obscenity but to respect the anonymity of the Editor of the Fix magazine which you could easily look up and find out. But bickering aside we had a lovely time, I developed a weight complex - aided by Harry (oops) saying he wanted to give me a weight complex and making at least a comment a day on how i was looking fat/like a lesbian. My basic goals set out for me by my then boss were -
1) Hand out a shit load of magazines.
2) Have an orgy with Pappy's Fun Club.
I only managed one of these.

Having a press pass meant one thing - Free tickets. Sure, I'm going to review it...

So here is a section I liked to call "Things I got free tickets/entrance for and what I thought of them" (In no particular order other than the order the tickets I kept were in in my bag)

"Things I got free tickets/entrance for and what I thought of them"

3 Comedians for the price of None! - They were all great but here is my order of preference : Carl Donnelly, Chris Martin, Benny Boot.This was a Free Fringe Show by the way - I am aware that everyone got in free...

Marc Maron & Kirk Fox - Kirk fox was very cute and entertaining but I didn't really laugh a lot. I spent most of the time thinking about how he reminded me of Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine.(This may be my fault not his - I don't remember) Marc Maron was amazing. I later saw him have a slight breakdown at Late n Live which wasn't so hot, but this night I went he was really great. Like Woody Allen but less of a geek and angrier. Perhaps more violent.

Terry Saunders - Missed Connections - This was many people's favourite show at the Fringe. I can't decide. It was definitely up there. Very sweet and almost made me cry (this 'almost' is topped by 2 shows which actually made me cry)

We Are Klang - Dickparty: A Retrospective - I really enjoyed this show. The similarity of Greg Davies with Rik Mayall astounded me. He was great, as was Marek as always and Steve's arse stole the show. [Later in the festival, I chatted to Steve - what a nice guy]Unfortunately I had to leave the show a sketch before the end... this was so I could meet up with Pappy's and dance naked for Phil Nichol's one night return of The Naked Racist. Unfortunately we were standing outside the venue chatting for so long that we didn't manage to dance naked. I was quietly relieved.

Stephen K Amos - Weekend Talk Show - Who was on...erm Carey Marx (drunk) Phil Nichol (outed Stephen 'Gay' Amos to the surprise of nobody really), eeerm....And an Irish lady who I forget. But the highlight really was Ali McGregor - she's so talented, it made me see these stupid comics for the untalented, shallow show offs they really are (this was my thought at the time...rubbish really, but I'd got a little sick of comedy. Don't worry, it passed) She was good though.
After that Mayo got me in to Mickey D's Phat Cave (oo er) which was great, Tripod headlined (more on them later). What was a shame was that I missed out on the phat beats of Andrew McClelland, Chris wanted to go to beddy byes - baby. :p

Pappy's Fun Club - I hate Brendon Burns.

I guess that can't be all i say about Pappy's. I'm their no1 fan, what do I say. Keep it up boys. At least Andrew Lawrence? surely? Or even Maxwell? Fucking hell.

Tony Law 'Revenge of the Dog of Time - funny and adorable. I love the Panda (I've started to realise I'd better be more brief!)

Glenn Wool - Promises Promises - Moustache Montage was amazing. He was good, hell yeh. Up and down. Eye patch vagina thing.

The Phone Book Live - I saw Paul Foot doing this - very amusing. The Auction is awkward though isn't it. Who wants a phone book?

Paul Foot's Comedy for Connoisseurs Having seen Paul before and thought 'yeh, quite funny', I wasn't expecting much, but he was great. took me about 10-15 minutes to get into it. Things really got good when he was heckled "Keep still". Very funny, and his mime plus is fabby. yes.

Daniel Kitson - Sold out for the entire run. How did you blag? I asked the drunk owner. He said Daniel can she come? He nodded, perplexed, I got in. nice. Daniel wins prize for first show of the festival that made me cry (though by sheer volume of water, came second) I ended up meeting him properly, what a thoroughly lovely chap who wants to inappropriately touch Tom from Pappy's... He called me vibro-twat which was a bit rude.

Break time (My sister niece and nephew are here...)

It's now 4 days later. I'll just change the title of this post to Part One and carry on later. Too long a blog otherwise, ya know.

Au Revoir!

Sophie x

Dictionary Corner

2007-07-02T18:59:00.000Z

Here is the final collection of nice/interesting words or phrases found in the dictionary* from this academic year.

- beblubbered adj disfigured by weeping.
- beweltered adj besmeared by weltering in blood.
- clitellum n a saddle-like structure around the anterior part of some annelid worms, having glands which secrete mucus to form a sheath around a copulating pair and a cocoon around the eggs.
- crapulence n sickness caused by excessive drinking.
- cummingtonite n a mineral of the amphibole group, hydrated magnesium iron silicate, occuring in metamorphic rocks. [Cummington, town in the US where it was first found]
- epanadiplosis n a figure by which a sentence begins and ends with the same word, eg 'Rejoice in the Lord alway, and again I say, rejoice'.
- epeolatry n worship of words.
- ergo bibamus (L) therefore let us drink.
- fizgig n a giddy or flirtatious girl.
- forswunk adj overworked.
- gowpen n the hollow of the two hands held together.
- Gradgrind n a person who regulates all human things by rule and compass and the mechanical application of statistics, allowing nothing for sentiment, emotion and individuality. [From Thomas Gradgrind in Dickens's Hard Times.
- habdabs n pl a state of extreme nervousness. 'screaming habdabs' (inf) a bad case of this involving hysterical crying.
- halcyon adj calm; peaceful; happy and carefree.
- halcyon days n pl a time of peace and happines.
- hamartia n (in a literary work) the flaw or defect in the character of the hero that leads to his downfall.
- hogen-mogen n haughtiness; adj high and mighty.
- katzenjammer n a hangover.
- malapropos adj out of place; unsuitable; inapt, inappropriate. adv inappropriately; untimely. n something untimely or inappropriate.
- mondial adj of the whole world, worldwide.

We also had a section called OBSCENITY SQUARE, where we put newly invented swearwords/phrases. Here they are.

- Trash my bumhole - an invitation to anal sex.
- CUNTINS abbrev. C U Next Tuesday If Not Sooner.
- Thundercunt n a lady well-endowed in the vaginal/labial department.
- Muckspread my birth-canal - an invitation to ejaculation within the vagina.
- Muff-huff n - an exhalation of trapped air from the vagina.

Is it wrong to be terribly proud of Dictionary Corner? I think not.

Any suggestions for additions?

Sophie x
*The Chambers Dictionary. New Ninth Edition. I'm not anal, I haven't included the ISBN.

"I'm no racist, I take the piss out of the poofs too!"

2007-06-19T13:43:00.000Z

I was going to write the blog yesterday, but I was too a-strucken with the grief, innit.

The world of comedy has not had such a blow since the death of Peter Cook. Sir Bernard Manning died yesterday at 3.10pm. I heard the news at about 5 when I was in the car, listening to Radio 4.
Frank Carson was talking to the presenter of PM about what a great chap he was, and although he wasn't favourite amongst 'this new breed' of comedians, he was one of the most popular comedians, ergo he was not racist. Hoenstly, that's how his argument went. "There are many comedians out there who don't make me laugh. Bernard always made me laugh. And many others too. Ergo he was not offensive or a racist, or even fat. He just seemed fat because he was that jolly"*

I was also shocked to hear that Polpot has won Britain's Got Talent. For a start, he's not British, so I think he should be disqualified. And don't get me started on the genocide thang. Still, he did have a nice singing voice. Nothing that amazing, but I can sympathise with him. He had a talent, and it was overlooked by those naughty things wot he done. Like Hitler, noone really took the time to appreciate his marvellous use of language, and metaphorical, figurative language in particular when describing the many ways he would like to kill the jews. So Polpot has finally managed to get his skill recognised, good on him. He probably had a lot of time to practise while he was under house arrest. You should see his tapestry collection, simply marvellous. He made a long, long tapestry, similar in style to the Bayeaux Tapestry, but documenting Bernard Manning's career. My favourite section is where he gets an arrow in his eye and says "Oh fucking hell, cunting Mother-In-Law". It will be auctioned at Christies in a couple of months. I think they're waiting for it to coincide with Polpot's first album "Polpot sings the HITS".

Actually, I have a little confession to make, I'm not proud of my actions, but I think they are quite amusing. Judge for yourself, am I evil, or am I a wry commenter on society. (The answer is both). When they announced Bernard Manning had died, I did a Tim Henman style "YES" (with fist-in-the-air action included), I followed this up with a laugh. I'd like to say an embarrassed, delicate laugh, but it was raucous and involved a few lumps of malice. The chap who was chauffering me gave me a quizzical look, then smiled. I'm controversial I am, a bit like Salman Rushdie. Except the Queen doesn't think me worthy, what a cunt. See, that's controversial isn't it? I just called the Queen a cunt for no real reason.
So I've gone of point a bit, my point was, I celebrated the death of Bernard Manning.

Look at the marvellous cartoon Okse did. Prompted me to finally wipe the tears (of laughter) away from my eyes and write this little blogarithm....

So there we are. And it's the end of The Comedy Bar season. So for the summer I shall be a "The Fix" girl, climbing aboard the good ship Deansway.
If anyone wants to share with us in Edinburgh, or knows someone who might, do let me know.

Now let us join our hands and pray for Bernard. He needs it, believe me.

At least Jim Davidson is still alive...

Sophie x
*May be paraphrased a little

Stalking the night bus.

2007-05-06T21:19:00.001Z

Superman by Black Lace just came on my media player.... I don't know why I have that. Anyway, that's not what I'm here for, it just really threw me... It's a really shit song. Seriously....I used to love this as a kid. I'm so cool now. Too cool for that wack stuff. I'll press skip in a minute...
Oh it's finished anyway. ELO. Much better.
Right, moving on before we drown in the stream of consciousness. Could you drown in something that is the very essence of consciousness itself? You could perhaps get a consciousness overload. You could become so aware of everything that you realise the essential truth* and therefore die. Glug glug, I need ignorance. Rose tint me, rose tint me.

Yeh check that shit out. I can be po-fucking**-etical.

Anyway, I apologise. I've got typing diarhhoea. Obviously it's gold though, not shit. Anyone who thinks it's shit, you're just not seeing the multiplicitous layers, and are a bit thick. You're shit, not me.

I haven't said anything yet.

So what since last... I'm still going a bit insane, but that's all good. Life experience and that. It's a bank holiday weekend! It's a really depressing name when you think about it. The one thing being celebrated here is the banks not being open. Why not call it "Long Weekend" officially? Everyone would be much happier. Especially the poor person who actually does do some work in the bank. There must be someone. Otherwise the world would fall apart, non?
For the german speaking amongst you, enjoy this wordplay.
Body, oder? (Say it aloud***)

So, Friday I went to a fancy dress party "What you wanted to be when you grew up". My first worry was, is that grammatically/logically non-sensical? But I soon got over that. (Someone please help!!) I went as a secretary, because it was either that or accountant or actress. Yeh...

Saturday... Oh yeh that was yesterday. Went to a gig in Ole Camden Town to see my mate Paul/Ben in Band(ism) Robin Nature-Bold introduced a song 'Edgy Meat'. But we all know it should be V.Edgy Meat. I demand (a)that he gets it right, and (b)royalties.
While queueing for the toilet I saw Rich Fulcher. I tapped him upon the shoulder and said "Rich Fulcher" (People love it when you say their name at them.) I then splatted verbal diarrhoea all over him and lost my place in the queue. Arses.
Then P/B took us by the hand and led us through the streets of London. 'Camden to Brixton - the road trip' began. It was marvellous. Paul had several enemas, being directed by two drunk people. We ended up stalking the night bus. We made good time. We sure did.

Then today the day began with 'Brixton to Paddock Wood - the train trip'. It was a lonely one, with engineering works and a strange sensation of experiencing Paul Merton's B.O.

And to the family get together where there were too many dogs (my Aunties HEART Crufts)..(ASIDE: That Old English Sheepdog that drove the car for that april fools thing all those years ago was my Gramps' Dog. Yes...I know. WOW!). Dogs and babies don't mix and neither does a hangover and family reunions. Again, here's a toilet story for you. My grandparents have got a new fangled old-people shower and toilet fitted. They've put up a sign in the toilet explaining not to push the seat down because it slowly goes down under its own weight, and if you push it it breaks the mechanism. Fine. But here's the rub... 'its' was "it's", 'own' was "on" and 'weight' was "wieght". How are we to respect our elders when they behave in such a fashion? I'm concerned my Nephew will see that and think it is correct. I red-penned the fucker. Disrespectful? Perhaps. But people must learn.

So I got home finally and watched the Dr Who repeat. Some things are just so reliable. If David Tennant's endearing over-acting and beautiful, if slightly-too-small, face can make everything ok. I bought a tardis shaped drinks cooler the other day. That's what I'd save in a fire. It makes the noise and has a flashy light and yes, it is bigger on the inside.

Sophie x

*I cannot disclose this is such a public arena as the madly popular world that is myblog.
** Yeh, I fucked Po. I'd do it again too. Again again!!
*** "I'm black and proud"

Twunts and Fucktards in a SuperThunderStingCar

2007-04-30T23:29:00.000Z

Sometimes I wonder what sort of people it is I go to Uni with. I have some lovely friends, and I wouldn't swap them for the world, don't get me wrong. However...there are some serious tools hanging about the Media School. I was in a lecture this afternoon and I noticed someone in front of me had a PDA/Blackberry type thing. This is all very normal in the Barleyesque style-over-substance world that is Bournemouth Media School. But here's the thing, they were playing noughts and crosses on it. PAPER AND A PEN NOT GOOD ENOUGH!? What made it worse was that one of them kept losing. Now I don't know about you, but I haven't lost a game of noughts and crosses since I was about 13 or 14. Nor have I won a game. Because you always draw....because it's so simple. Apparently not. It was making me cringe, I almost wanted to shout... DON'T PUT A NOUGHT THERE YOU TWUNT, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT FUCKTARD HAS GOT ONE IN EITHER CORNER?!?!?
Jeez.
In other news, I went to see Pete and Dud Come Again at the Lighthouse in Poole tonight. It was a great show, the chap playing Dudley Moore was particularly good. Gog from Peep Show was playing Peter Cook, and I thought he was good, but didn't really touch on the sex appeal of Mr Cook and instead just kept on the smug/bitter/jealous side. He was very good though, as was the play in general.
So now I'm enjoying my Cook & Moore DVDs. Love those leaping nuns.

Sophie Niesden x

Are you part of a statistic, and don't know it?

2007-04-17T19:14:00.000Z

In 'the guardian' today, they did a little piece about how sex has changed over time, how people are losing their virginity earlier, and how nothing is better than asphyxiation, etc, etc...

One little statistic they gave was this:

"64,500 people are living with HIV, and 20,100 don't know it."

What does this mean? 20,100 people have HIV, but don't know it, that's what it means, simple. But how did they get the statistic? The only way I can fathom that they got such specific data for the number of people who have HIV, but don't know it, is that SOMEONE knows they have HIV, but has chosen not to tell them. So when you go and get tested, when they give you the good news, you haven't, make sure you say "Really?....", "really?" and "no, really?". Doctors always give in on the third 'really'. Also make sure you don't say something silly like, "Well I certainly hope I haven't got the HIV, I don't want to become a statistic".
You will of course become a statistic, but you will be in the minority of people with the HIV. And it's cool to be in the minority. Everyone knows this since Green Day said it, back in 1932. Which must mean that Green Day all have HIV, but don't know it. If anyone knows any of the band Green Day, first of all kick them in the balls and tell them to stop conforming, and could they perhaps be good again, then tell them, "Oh, and you've got HIV". Please remember to inform the Guardian once you have done so, so they can adjust their statistic.

We must catch those evil NHS people, perhaps there are many diseases they know we have, but are choosing not to tell us. Perhaps they're scared of telling us, so just say "Ignorance is bliss". But they should listen to this little nugget of wisdom:

YOU HAVE TO BE CRUEL TO BE KIND.

Hence I have done some of my own 'research', sneaking through files, and I've discovered that the following have HIV, but - until now - didn't know it...(Don't worry, I'll inform the Guardian)

Tom Sparrow, Janice Splay, Catriona Gargoyle, Harry Kent, Miles McOnanist*, Gary Toodles, Carmen Jammy, Scab O'Doodle, Sandra Harrowing, Charlie Aids, Joe Blogspot, Kara Tara Pumpkinson, Sophie Johnson, Upside-Down Dave, Wendy Candle, Bob Labia, Tony Badly, Corrugated Anne, Gwen Osmond and Jim 'oh-so-big' Bopping.

Spread the word. It is our job to act.

Sophie x

*This is the only true one. Please tell him.

Here are the headlines, god I wish they weren't!

2007-03-08T23:00:00.000Z

Chris Morris graces Bomo...

I couldn't put it better than an anonymous person, who is anonymous, on cook'd and bomb'd...

"Chris Morris @ Bournemouth University 6th March 2007.

There was still a definite audible gasp as Chris Morris walked into the (very warm) lecture theatre at Bournemouth University. He was tall and thin, wore Converse trainers topped with fluorescent bicycle clips, and had a black jacket with a frilly white shirt underneath. A glittered scarf completed the outfit and his hair has grown back into a curly mess. He looked like how Doctor Who should, basically.

He sat in a dirty chair, and played constantly with the broken armrest throughout. After a really vague introduction by the ‘journalist’ interviewing him, we had a clip from Brass Eye, (from the ‘cake’ episode) and then we were off.

The interviewer’s questions were awkward at times, and slightly misinformed, but that increasingly didn’t matter, as Chris took these questions as jumping-off points for things he really wanted to talk about.

He began by reminiscing about his days at BBC Radio Bristol, and the fact that people there were convinced he was taking the piss, when he genuinely wasn’t. A key moment was the Lockerbie crash, which caused cheering in the newsroom when someone found that ‘a local’ had been killed. Chris had – ironically – grown up listening to the phone pranks of Noel Edmonds and spoke at length about his love of radio. He also mentioned the comedian and musician Vivian Stanshall. He was also generous towards Victor Lewis Smith, particularly his work on Loose Ends. It seems that there has been a thaw between the two.

Prompted by a question from the floor, he readily admitted his comedy was often based on wordplay and language, and this he had learned from listening to his heroes on radio. Chris said he would both love to do more radio and he would like to work with Warp again. He thought that Dean Man’s Shoes was an excellent film. He also bemoaned the lack of innovation on radio, particularly Radio One. He seemed exasperated that Chris Moyles is viewed by the BBC as a great DJ.

Taking questions about the industry, Chris said that he hadn’t yet found a production company or organisation that he felt at home with. He said that Talkback was now a huge global company and this often made things difficult, but something he learned from his BBC days, is that the bigger the organisation, the more room there is to hide and find a way through and find people who’ll champion your work. He said that part of the commissioning process was to ‘con’ producers into commissioning you, and interestingly he said that ‘will’ was more important than talent. He supported this statement by arguing that so much TV was terrible, that only ‘will’ got it made, because the creators clearly had no talent.

He seemed almost upset at the very existence of Jeremy Kyle, and he savaged The Verdict. He convincingly suggested that people were acting in court cases anyway, so the programme was about actors, acting at acting, which was ridiculous. He said that it was an excuse to use the words, ‘penis,’ ‘vagina,’ and ‘anus,’ a lot whilst showing close-ups of Jeffrey Archer.

He also talked about Big Brother, as someone asked if it could be subverted. Chris said he’s love to see it being done, but even by being in the show and trying to attack it from within, you’re still part of Big Brother. He thought that Jack Dee had come closest, because he was so ‘flat.’

He also talked about some of the things he liked, and seemed embarrassed at their mainstream popularity. He thinks the The Thick of It is a triumph, and he also loves (some) of Curb your Enthusiasm, but admitted that some episodes were very poor. He said that watching Extras and then The Office he noticed a massive ‘gap in quality’ between the two. He, perhaps alarmingly, also expressed a liking for Danny Baker.

As for Brass Eye, well the series seemed to take its toll on him. One phone prank with one of the Krays resulted in a visit from a thug at their production offices. Noel Edmonds still harbours a grudge, but others such as Tania Bryer shrugged it off and blamed themselves for being so gullible. Bernard Manning was a difficult one, as just before filming (which took place at Manning’s infamous Embassy Club in Manchester) the old comedian told Chris that his two bouncers had beaten someone to a pulp the night before for smoking a joint.

Chris said that there wasn’t a hierarchy of ‘cuntery’ when choosing which celebs to attack, but he was often surprised. He managed to fool an (unnamed) newspaper editor with a gag, but Russell Grant rumbled him straightaway – ‘he clearly has a lot of nous’ according to Chris.

As the Brass Eye shoot took place over a year, the make-up artist had real problems with continuity as, by the end of the year, Chris looked, ‘so fucked-up’ and no amount of make-up could get him looking like he did 12 months before. He shrugged off the Daily Mail’s attack on the paedophile special, saying that it wasn’t very good, even by the Mail’s standards. He seemed a bit insulted by this.

Chris admitted that he did the IT Crowd as a favour to Graham Linehan, but he’s not doing anymore, and his character dies by jumping out of the window in the first episode of series 2. He’s working flat out on Nathan Barley 2, but with a different set of characters, and exploring different situations than before. This was a constant theme, as it seems he doesn’t like to stand still for very long. He admitted that Barley was always going to have a small ‘cult’ audience, and he said that the TV Go Home website version of the character was ‘external’ whereas the TV series had to be more internalised. But he likes working with Charlie Brooker very much.

He hinted that he was working on a large future project that would take him back to his current affairs roots. He was very guarded, but it would range, ‘from Jeremy Kyle to Osama Bin Laden.’ He said that he would love to do something about 9/11, as it was, ‘only 3000.’ He said that 7/7 was lame in comparison, and it was notable that he seems to be interested in conspiracy theorists, as he stated with conviction that we shouldn’t think that 7/7 was initiated by some young Pakistani men from Leeds. He thinks that people should make comedy from things like the Holocaust, and that he would love to do ‘the comedy version of United 93.’

Finally, asked why he had come as he never gave interviews, he said that he was attempting to recruit some secular terrorists, because people blowing themselves up for no reason would really ‘fuck with the actual terrorists heads!”

He seemed completely at ease, and totally devoid of ego or attitude. He had chatted to media students at Bournemouth University before the interview, and he stayed for sometime afterwards, signing Brass Eye and My Wrongs DVDs. He said that he wanted to know where the new comedy was coming from, as it wasn’t on Radio One anymore. Then he rushed for his train, and the cycle ride from Waterloo back to Battersea. "

Those media students he chatted to before were me, Will and Will's friends. One of whom he sneaked in without a ticket by claiming, "This is my brother, you're not going to deny my brother getting in are you?"

He was a very friendly chap, and when I finally mustered up the courage to go and chat to him, he very much put me at ease, trying to convince me to finish his sandwiches. "Some cretin forced them on me, I only wanted one"

Erm, what else, oh yeh, got a photo with him, he looks incredibly grumpy, he wasn't though, "Let's all look happy for myspace"

Damn him subverting our photo efforts!

Here's another sneaky one.

Those of you who know me, may notice that I'm wearing specs. I got these for the after party, where I would be dressed as a Nathan Barley idiot. They're non-prescription, all for the look. How ridiculous. Most people approved anyway, but one person thought it was ridiculous and actually got a bit stroppy about it. Mostly because they are similar to their glasses, and perhaps felt their individuality was being taken away by 'fashion'.

The party went well, and the experimentation was amusing. I got up in time for my lecture and was only ONE MINUTE late, which was Geoff's fault, he walks too slowly.

So yeh, I've met one of my 2 major comedy heroes. And Peter Cook is dead. So I may as well die now, and go meet that Cunt.

Keep it comedygeek,

Sophie x

I now love SKY...

2007-03-08T00:19:00.000Z

...for being bastards.

Thought I've lost a few simpsons episodes, Virgin have given me paramount comedy. RESULT!

Keep it standing up,

Sophie x

Media bickering!

2007-03-01T22:26:00.000Z

A Virgin balloon in the Sky. It's nice to see they were able to get on at one point.
So yes, I awoke this morning to discover that Sky had said "a-bye-bye now" to Virgin (previously NTL) customers. I am one of those such people.
So no more sticking on Simpsons after Simpsons after Futurama after Simpsons when you can't decide what else to watch and you need some light entertainment. Shame. I was a little annoyed at first.
I began composing a letter that might have gone a little soemthing like this...(had I actually written it)....

Dear Points of View/Watchdog/Ofcom/Mr Branson/Sky,

I am very annoyed not to be able to watch the Simpsons back to back. What am I to watch instead of Hollyoaks now?

I would like to speak to your manager...I don't care if he's busy..!!

etc etc.

But just as I was about to wax seal the envelope, I noticed a channel on the listings called "Sky Snooze". I wondered what this was about. So looked further.
From Digital Spy:
"Sky has criticised Virgin Media for renaming some electronic programme guide slots previously occupied for its now-withdrawn basic channels.
Shortly after Sky One, Two, News, Sports News, Travel and Travel Extra disappeared from Virgin's digital cable TV service at midnight, some channel names were altered in a reflection of the huge distance between the cable operator and Sky. Channel 602, previously home to Sky News, was renamed "Sky Snooze try BBC", while the former Sky Sports News slot was renamed "Old Sky Sports Snooze". On-screen messages blamed Sky for the disappearance of the channels, with messages claiming that Sky wants "to limit... choice and force consumers into switching service."
A Sky spokesperson said today that Virgin's actions were "consistent with their dismissive attitude towards the value of Sky's basic channels throughout this process." The representative added: "This kind of childishness can only irritate customers who are loyal viewers of our channels."
There was no indication today that the two sides are any closer to breaking the stalemate."

I am now on Virgin's side. How amusing. I love childish behaviour. I went back to the on-screen guide later, and they had changed them back, unfortunately. But there was this message on the screen:
"Thanks to Sky, some of the non-premium Sky channels, like Sky One and Sky News are no longer available, they've picked up their ball and gone home."

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Keep it playground.

Sophie x

BREAKING NEWS

2007-02-19T14:02:00.000Z

Britney has shaved her head.

But now the headlines.

-Martin Kemp has just taken back a DVD after discovering it was region one and he only has a region two dvd player.

-Anthony Warrel-Thompson has bought full fat milk. Is he tipping over the edge?

-Science from Big Brother has a hangnail. Sources say it is reported to "really hurt".

See more headlines here:

Keep it tabloid,

Sophie x

R U CUMMING TONITE?

2007-02-15T21:46:00.000Z

You know how it is, you're having a nice evening in, listening to some music, reading essays on aestheticism and all of a sudden you get a text from your older sister, a primary school teacher and mother of two.

"Does 'bagging' mean something rude?"

Well. I had to help the poor sap out. Who knows what dire situation she was in.

The conversation then naturally turned to paedophilia. She requested a joke within the theme. I gave her one.

The response:

"Oh they groaned - my friends not the children!"

What children? Is my sister with a child who is asking her to perform 'bagging' upon his tiny self? And was this child so sick that he liked to mock people with reverse perversions? I have sympathy for this sex-craving infant, as I do have a penchant for older men.

Turns out she was having a 'girly' night. Now I'm not an expert, but I was seriously worried, and confused, about the 'bagging' situation by this point.

Another joke was requested. The first that came to mind was from the Jack Dee DeeVeeDee I had watched earlier. The punchline was "a pikey"*

Then more questioning followed:

"Sue** says is it racist to hate pikeys? They seem to think you are the fountain of all knowledge now!"

Of course they are right. Though, really, Sue is a rubbish name for a child. Nora is quite cool as I hear the 70s are back in.

My response (yes I stole/adapted a joke from jimmy carr, but see how i weave it all so marvellously together like a tapestry of veluptuous verbeage):

"It is classist to hate pikeys. Or 'pikeyist'. But I know your friends*** aren't the pikeyest, jade goody wins that title. And she's a racist so we've come full circle. How nice."

For those who haven't had the honour, I am a text artist.

What? Another text?

"Right, is being short-sighted weirder than being long-sighted? They think you're like Stephen Fry on QI!"

I am like him in many ways. I look and act like Oscar Wilde too. Stephen Fry was born at the very moment Oscar Wilde died. Coincidence?****

Response:

"Being longsighted is weirder because what sort of thicko can't see something right in front of them? Dur!"

Final question from the lady who is teaching the future of this country (and apparently focusing on sex education practicals) is:

"Does that big belt thing that men wear with suits have a 'b' in it. Ie is it cummerband or cumberband?"

It is only now that I think...how witty it would have been to say "No, there is a b in their bonnet though" Perhap***** not. What I did instead was check the dictionary to make sure my answer was correct (it was).
But the next word down, but one, was.......

CUMMINGTONITE

It is a mineral. Wikipedia it if you don't believe me. Click here for "Molecules with Silly or Unusual Names". They start with Arsole.

That is all. Oooh, apart from... did anybody else notice Google's error on Valentine's Day? You know how they adapt the logo for various holidays?...You know, like a pair of tits instead of the o's for Mother's Day? Well here was their Valentine's offering:

Googe Added to Miss Johnson's Fictionary.

Googe.(v) To saturate a face with wide licking.

"You've been googed"

"Ergh, don't googe me"

"Googe me baby, googe me to the max!"

Feel free to alter it to "begooged". Which I find just as fun.

Spread the word.

Keep it juxta,

Sophie x

*Feel free to guess the set up - correct answer or funniest guess wins...something
**Actual name used.
***The Nymphants.(ooh nice coinage)
****Don't bother looking it up to check, I'm right.
*****Typo no, Darkplace reference, yes.

Sophie Johnson

ILY

G'day!

We really wanna see those fingers!

Yes we McCann!

Sony Erection C905

Blogs are like buses.

I've ruined my Mum's life with one sentence

Sneak peek & best bits

It's about time I got these out...

Edinburgh Diary 21st-27th August 2008

Edinburgh Diary 18th-20th August 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 17th August 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 16th August 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 15th August 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 14th August 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 7th - 13th August 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 6th August 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 5th August 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 4th August 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 3rd August 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 2nd August 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 1st August 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 31st July 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 30th July 2008 - ADDENDUM

Edinburgh Festival Diary 30th July 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 29th July 2008

Edinburgh Festival Diary 28th July 2008

HAHA! You've got poo on you!

Minister's Question Time

Famous Poems That I Hate #1.

On Films and Indulgence

Back to normal

According to the bible = Fact

Darkhorse Dan and thesophie blog together

In which I go to Alton Towers and talk about Paedophilia (again).

Calling all stalkers!

Travelling home to say goodbye

Izzard & other animals.

Living on the tracks

Date with the Gods Access 2000

The Langham Blog (with Daily Mail Fun!)

Problems

Emergency blog - Pat Sharp.

Adam and Joe stole my Monday

I lost my legwarmers...

Which of your babies do you love most?

Ur mums very poor

Shall I blog every day?

Drunk blogging

Nurge P'Turkin - O'Bitchery

Is there a Christ in Christmas? (Yes...it's there...the first 6 letters...duh)

HOW TO LIVE by Simon Munnery

Saturday Live Again...and surrounding adverts.

Wise words

Quem Pastores Wet 'n' Wild

What I done this Summer. (Edinburgh mostly) - Part One!!!

Dictionary Corner

"I'm no racist, I take the piss out of the poofs too!"

Stalking the night bus.

Twunts and Fucktards in a SuperThunderStingCar

Are you part of a statistic, and don't know it?

Here are the headlines, god I wish they weren't!

I now love SKY...

Media bickering!

***BREAKING NEWS***

R U CUMMING TONITE?

BREAKING NEWS